The Twelve Rules of Christmas

Posted on by December 24, 2010
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Mamacita says:

imagesThere are, of course Twelve Actual Rules of Christmas, according to the law, and in case you don’t know what they are and have intentions of storming the school or business that’s maliciously ignoring your rights as a Christian/Jew/Catholic/Protestant/Wiccan/Pagan/Atheist/Order of Elfland/Kisser of Mother Earth’s Backside, etc, perhaps y’all should take a glance at the law concerning such matters.

. . . interrupting my Christmas Eve blues (it’s almost here, which means it’s almost over!), my wallowing in Love Actually, my longing for visits from family, my worry about family members who are ill, my total digging (hippie language) of the White Christmas Blizzard happening outside as I type, and my dread of taking down all my holiday decorations in a week or so, with another version of the  Twelve Rules of Christmas, just for you:

1.  Christmas is always better than you thought it would be, even if it’s not.

2.  Christmas brings people together, even if it’s by contrast and not comparison.

3.  Christmas gifts made by childish hands are the best.  Christmas gifts FOR a child are even better.

4.  Christmas dinner is always great, even if it’s frozen pizza.  Because it’s Christmas.

5.  No one is alone on Christmas unless he/she chooses to be alone.  There are just too many places to go or to volunteer, to stay at home or in one’s room and whine.  Feeling left out?  Put on your coat and drive to the soup kitchen/homeless shelter, etc.  If being needed and appreciated is what you’re after – and who isn’t? – head for places where you’re definitely needed and genuinely appreciated.  It’s your own fault if you’re alone and sad at Christmas, or any other time, actually.

6.  Every Christmas tree is beautiful.

7.  Every wrapped package under the tree is beautiful, especially the ones wrapped by inept fingers.

8.  Christmas M&M’s taste better than ordinary M&M’s.  Ditto Christmas Snickers and Christmas Reese’s Trees.

9.  Christmas fruitcakes make great footballs, doorstops, and stories for next year, unless you actually like to eat fruitcake, in which case, bon appetit.  Watch your teeth.  And what exactly are those green slimy things?

10.  Christmas trees often bring the outdoors inside for our pets, ifyouknowwhatImean.

11.  Christmas season begins too soon and ends too quickly.

12.  The proper and polite response to “Merry Christmas” is “Thank you,” even if you do not believe in it.  Rudeness is always a choice, and it’s never appropriate to throw someone’s well-wishes back into his/her face.  If you’re insulted by someone’s wishing you well, keep it to yourself.  Charming Fairylit Woodland Seasonal Solstice Nothingness Greetings to you, too.  (Thank you.)

I’ve watched Love Actually three times this Christmas week, and I might have to give it another couple of viewings to get the sentiment and emotion out of my system.  Otherwise, I might be like Rebecca Randall’s Aunt Jane, so soft and sentimental it’s a wonder I don’t leak out the doorsill.*  It’s been suggested before.

Just to hear the music. . . . That soundtrack – it’s blazingly fantastic.  Fantastic, and, well, lovely.  Just lovely.

Excuse me.  I have to go mop myself up off the floor before all of me oozes under the door and out onto the yard.

If you haven’t ever seen Love Actually, what the bloody hell is WRONG with you!!! oh dear Lord, watch it now.  Be aware, however, that it’s not exactly family friendly in a few scenes.  Watch it late at night, with someone you love.  Or all by yourself in your kitchen whilst making homemade bread and fudge and trying not to weep copious tears into the dough.

P.S.  #13.  Christmas is a time for family and friends, and it’s so magically wondrous when they come to visit!  I can believe in God when I’m with family.  Without them, it can be difficult.

*Bonus points if you understand the reference.

It's Christmas Eve, Dick. Christmas, Ebenezer!

Posted on by December 24, 2010
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christmasquote Mamacita says:  I really don’t know how anyone could ever say it better than this.

Ma Ingalls assured Laura and Mary that if everyone wanted everyone else to be happy all the time, then every day would be Christmas.  I believe this to be absolutely true.

Haven’t you noticed by now that almost every time you hope and wish and strive for someone else’s happiness, you end up happier yourself?  Sometimes, not getting what we wanted for Christmas means we get something else that’s even better.  As far as I’m concerned, helping and watching others get what THEY wanted is the best part of the season.

It disgusts me out every pore of my very large body bothers me when people keep Christmas contained in a house or – far worse – in a church. Dressing up and hanging out with other dressed-up people all of whom are going home to near-opulence, comparatively speaking, and feeling justified and holy because they went through the motions and recited the words without actually doing anything about them really doesn’t seem like Christmas proper to me. These days, a lot of Christmas services are more like recitals and concerts with divas than anything spiritual or meaningful. Gold, frankincense and myrrh were meant to be given away, not draped around the church. How many of those overdressed bedecked people plan to do anything for anyone but themselves this Christmas?

I am also disgusted that the very places that most need volunteers and donations are near capacity with the needy and extremely short-handed with the volunteers on church nights.  Shouldn’t those be the very times the most people gather together to DO for others, not just sit around and talk about it?

Preaching to the choir only reassures and reaffirms already-held thoughts and beliefs. Festooning a church with expensive fake greenery seems an outrageous use of money that would be better spent supplying a soup kitchen or providing Christmas for several families in the area. On Christmas, why not shut the church’s door and send the church’s people out to actually, physically, help real people in their own areas who are in desperate need?

If all you did this season was decorate, purchase, bake, dress up, party, or sit at home relaxing in front of the TV, shame on you.  Next year, try to do better than that.  Next year, don’t dress up and head for the mall or the church (unless it’s headquarters for the donations which you are going to help distribute); bundle up and get out there and make Christmas really happen for people who might not know what you’ve known for years.  Don’t preach to them; let your actions do that for you.  Action, people, not words.  Words can be empty.  Words ARE empty without accompanying action.

If your church’s Christmas focuses on the shop window glitter, maybe it’s time to seek a real church – one that has substance behind the window in the store itself.

Words are cheap.  Action takes effort.  Without the effort, Christmas isn’t the only meaningless thing in people’s lives.

Seriously.  If your church doesn’t know the names of almost every person in its immediate neighborhood, what good is it?  What good is it if it concentrates on sending packages and money overseas and ignores the needy right across the street?

It’s better to do a kindness at home than go afar to burn incense.  –Chinese proverb

Heh.  She said “dick.”

You must learn, young Padawan, but finals are now officially over

Posted on by December 21, 2010
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final-exam

Fair warning:  there is “language” ahead. . . .

Mamacita says: I gave finals to five classes last week. Most of my students last semester were awesome; I adore them. I already miss them.  They rocked.  All semester, they worked hard, had wonderful discussions, participated, helped each other, LISTENED, made suggestions. . . . the combination of personalities was great, and almost everyone added in a positive way to the mix.  THOSE students finished their tests in silence, handed them to me, THANKED ME FOR BEING THEIR TEACHER!!!!! gathered their stuff, and left, quietly. I heard them talking in the halls a little later, about how much easier the test was, than they’d thought it might be.  That is how it usually is, for the students who take it seriously and show up each week.

How about that one slacker class, you might ask. . . Here’s how it went:

Most of even “that” class were great.  They took their test, wished me and each other a Merry Christmas, and left.  Most of them passed, and most of those who passed passed well.  However, that one truly slackerish guy – the one who didn’t remember to take the midterm exam or turn in any of his projects – arrived almost an hour into the session and was still there long after everyone else had gone home.

Slacker: This test is fucked. I don’t know this shit.

Evil Teacher*: The students with good attendance know it.

Slacker: Are you talking to me?

Evil Teacher: Apparently not.

Slacker: Do we HAVE to use a #2 pencil? I hate that. Do we HAVE to?

Evil Teacher: Yes.

Slacker: This sucks. I don’t have one. Give me yours.

Evil Teacher: Here, take it. Use it well, young Padawan.

Slacker: Huh? Whatever. I hate black pencils. Got any other colors?

Evil Teacher: No. Black is the color of despair. It is fitting.

Slacker: Whut? Huh? I hate this pencil. Buy some good ones next time.

Evil Teacher: I promise. . . . . . shakes head ever-so-slightly in wonder. . . . . .

(30 minutes later)

Slacker: I done mine in ink. Is that okay?

ET: No. Here’s another form; you have to use a #2 pencil.

Slacker: That sucks!!!!

ET: Yes. Yes, it does.

Slacker: Huh?

ET: You’re right. It definitely sucks. Do it anyway.

Slacker: Can I go to the can? I really gotta pee.

ET: Sure. You go to the can. And please wash your mouth out with soap before you return.

Slacker: Huh?

ET: I said, please remember to wash your hands before you return.

Slacker: Whutever. When you gots to pee, you gots to pee.

ET: You have thirty minutes remaining, you consummate dumbass Slacker.

Slacker: Do we got to do the ones on the back of the paper?

ET: Why, no. No, you don’t HAVE to do the ones on the back. In fact, you don’t HAVE to do ANY of them. It’s all about CHOICE. You are a FREE AGENT. You only HAVE to do the ones you WANT to do.

Slacker: Do whut? Huh?

ET: You don’t HAVE to wear your underpants rightside-out either, but most people do.

Slacker: Huh? So we don’t got to do the ones on the back?

ET: Yes. Yes, you do. You HAVE to do them.

Slacker: How’s come?

ET: Because I said so.

Slacker. Oh. Whutever.

(turns test in with only one side completed, and most of them wrong.)

Slacker: I gots a 9-month-old girl baby. She learning to talk.

ET: Dear Lord.

==

So. How was YOUR day?

*Evil Teacher?  That would be me.

P.S. Students lingering out in the hallway, hoping to hear a “show” and getting one, came back to the classroom to hug me and tell me they’d been sorry all semester that everyone had had to put up with Slacker; they congratulated me for not losing my temper, and then confessed that having Slacker in the room was like having dinner and a show along with the lessons.  Now that it’s all over, I have to agree.  I guess my question is, what kind of future does this guy have?  I already know the answer; he’ll be leeching off all of US for the rest of his life.  Sigh.  Most of me resents that mightily and only a teensy part of me feels sorry for him.  Life is full of choices.  He chose to be a slacker.

Lighten Up, Oh Ye Of Little, No, or Different Faiths

Posted on by December 15, 2010
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Oh jeepers gee WHILIKERS, one of my posts has been syndicated on my wondrous BlogHer!

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Mamacita says:  Okay, so, today’s what, the 15th?  It’s time for another politically incorrect rant!  Be warned, oh overly-sensitive types born without the ability to discern. . . .

I am a Christmas fanatic. I live for this season. I LOVE this time of year, the anticipatory days, the buildup, the baking, the decorating, the smiling faces, the wreaths, the trees, the twinkling lights that make the whole neighborhood look like the starry sky, the making of lists, the checking of them twice, the looking FORWARD, the happiness, the glow, the very atmosphere of the world.

Well, of the fun world, anyway, the nice world, the world of generous people who care; the grinches and grumps of the world don’t count. I believe in the TRUE meaning of Christmas, but if you don’t, that’s your business. I do think even non-believers could get into the SEASON, if not the REASON, and have a lot of fun with it, and most of them do and are glad of it. But every party needs a pooper, that’s why we invited you. . . . . so sit in the corner and complain and try to ruin it for the majority of the nation, go ahead, whine away, oh boo hoo your rights are being trampled because other people (who constitute a majority, by the way) are all happy and singing. . . oh, grow up and look around, you loser!!! Most of us are happier than usual, and thinking of others and trying to make our personal spaces a little prettier, and thinking generous thoughts for a change, and trying to help others in the coldest time of the year, and you’re picketing stores and throwing people’s innocent good will back in their faces and writing editorials demanding your scroogeish rights and doing your best to put a damper on it all.

Shame on you.

And, shame again. Lighten up. Embrace the emotional impact, if you don’t have it in you to embrace any other aspect of it. It’s a religious thing, yes, but nobody has a loaded gun to your right cheek demanding that you surrender all your own beliefs.  But it’s also a cultural thing, and a seasonal thing, and an emotional thing, and a love thing, and a caring thing, and a sharing thing, and it makes people happy when they participate, and if you choose not to participate in any part of it, at least shut up about it so you don’t drag others down with you. You have your rights? Yes, you do. And so do the rest of us, and that’s something you don’t seem to wish to acknowledge in any way because you’re too busy trying to get an entire culture to shut down and do things your way. It’s not going to happen, Scrooge. If you don’t like it, move away.

Yes. Move away. You know, to some OTHER country where you’re allowed to worship, behave, believe, eat, drink, etc, exactly as you please. . . . . oops. Um, wait a second. IS there another country where you’re allowed to do those things? Besides this one that you spend all your time putting down?

I don’t THINK so.

Therefore, if you intend to stay here, please understand something: you have your rights, and so does everyone else. You choose to be joyless at this time of year, others choose to be joyful. Neither of us is going to change. You choose to hug your personal beliefs close and honestly, I’ve never heard you say anything positive at this time of year so I’m not altogether sure what your beliefs ARE, if indeed you have any goals except to stifle everyone else, but whatever they are, you’ve a right to them.  Please collect your wits about you for a moment and discern that everyone else has rights, too.  There are more of us than of you. Stay in your dark cheerless house if you don’t want to see happy sharing singing people.

Sit there in your dark hole and practice saying things like “Bah, humbug,” and “My RIGHTS are being obstructed!!!! Oh WAHHHHH”  “How DARE that old lady smile at me and give my child a candy cane!” “My neighbors all have wreaths and I am SOOOO OFFENDED!”  “A clerk wished me a Merry Christmas?  I’ll SUE!”  Stuff like that. Be sure your windows are open so the neighbors can hear you. Put a sign on your door, too, to warn people away lest a neighbor bring you a cake or a box of cookies – more signs that your rights are being disrespected.

What’s the matter, you can’t enjoy someone else’s holiday? Okay, then you should be the one who volunteers to work the Christmas shifts for people. It doesn’t mean anything to you, right? You’ll get more money, and that’s important to you, right? Then why aren’t you first in line for that? It would be a wonderful gift for a father or mother who would love to be home with their kids for Christmas. . . .but then, you don’t give gifts, do you, so that’s out. And asking you to work when others don’t would be yet another manisfestation of your rights being trampled.

Honestly. I hope you are in therapy.

But I digress. It’s the 15th of December, and I haven’t done any shopping*  yet. My kids are going to have some kind of Christmas this year, and I don’t care if Tim and I don’t eat for a month afterwards. We don’t need to be eating, anyway, gad.

So, to the majority of the world, a very Merry Christmas. To the rest of you, carry on, and be careful lest you accidently eat a cookie or hear a song or see some twinkling lights; it might scar you for life.  Watch out for smiling happy people, too, lest you be subjected to good wishes.

It’s going to be a very lean Christmas, but no power, principality, or grumpy old fart in the universe can keep it from being merry!

*And, by “going shopping,” what I’m really saying is, “I’m checking out the bargains online.”  It’s cold outside.

P.S.  By the way, I LOVE IT when people with different beliefs share.  Sadly, they seldom seem to.  Around these parts, such people mostly seem to get off on whining.

Science Fiction and Christmas and Stars, Oh My

Posted on by December 13, 2010
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Mamacita says:  I love a good short story, but exactly what is a short story?  Is it a short story because it’s always short?

Surprisingly, no.

It’s a short story because it has only one main plotline and set of characters.

However, most short stories are pretty short.  One of my college professors told us that one should be able to begin and finish a really good short story while sitting on the toilet. I think I agree. Sometimes there’s a fine line between a novella and a few paragraphs, but the right length of a proper short story is somewhere in between: just the right length for a beginning, middle, and ending, giving you plenty of time to finish your business without getting hemorhoids from sitting too long. We keep a lot of our books in the big bathroom and many of them are collections of short stories.

I’m reminded of the scene in “The Big Chill” wherein Jeff Goldblum laments that most of his writing is read on the toilet, and when someone comments that one can read “War and Peace” on the toilet, Goldblum counters with “Yes, but you can’t finish it.”

But with a short story, you can.

Stop laughing. Where else, and when else, in our busy lives do we have a few minutes to ourselves?

Occasionally, I come across a short story that haunts me, makes me obsessed, changes me, affects me, and not always in a positive way. When I say, ‘not positive’ I don’t mean ‘negative.’ I really don’t know how to explain what I mean, either. That doesn’t mean I don’t know, it just means there are no words for it. I don’t count short stories that were poorly written or that I personally just simply disliked for whatever reason. I mean, a well-written short story that knocked me flat on the ground. Right flat, on my back gazing up at the ceiling with a look of dumbstruck amazement, or joy, or sadness, or whatever as long as it was well-thought-out and beautifully written.

Arthur C. Clarke’s short story “The Star” is one that knocked me flat and wouldn’t let me back up again for a long, long time.

How long? I’m still on the ground from it.

I first read it when I was in the fifth grade and it fascinated me, and frightened me, and made me ask questions that were not always appreciated by my elders, but isn’t that what a good story is supposed to do to us? I came to the conclusion back then, and I still hold to it, that elders who are suspicious of, and do not encourage, sincere questions about any subject, are themselves not secure in their beliefs and are, on some occasions, downright ignorant.

This story absolutely blew me away. I adore it. I am afraid of it. I always approach the ending with trepidation, hoping somehow that it has changed from the last time I read it. It never does.

It will make you think. It will make you question. It will make you glad to be alive. It will make you wonder about the future, and about the past.

Many pastors have forbidden their congregations to read it. It’s been removed from most textbooks for fear of offending someone. But it still exists. And since most bloggers are intelligent, open-minded, and not easily offended, please click on the link below and read this short story.  It’s the right time of year for wondering and pondering.

See what you think.

Arthur C. Clarke’s “The Star.”

Be Nice Anyway. You're Not The Center of the Universe

Posted on by December 9, 2010
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Mamacita says: Let’s talk about simple, basic, seasonal etiquette.  Where is it?

I will never understand why some people feel they have to be so defensive and hostile all the time. These people whine “insensitivity” but the truth is, THEY are the ones who are insensitive.

This time of year, in particular, one reads article after article, letter after letter, about incident after incident concerning “violation of my rights as a citizen/resident of this country and I want it STOPPED RIGHT NOW or I shall SUE and WHINE SOME MORE and WRITE SOME MORE LETTERS TO THE EDITOR and COMMENT ON WEBSITES and DEMAND THAT MY RIGHTS BE HONORED.” Not anyone else’s:  just theirs.

Well, in this country, we all have a right to our rights. But shouldn’t rants like this be reserved for issues that are more, well, life and death? Because if you’re raising such a stink about a candle and a candy cane, what have you left for horrific death and tragedy?

I really don’t think anybody had you singled out for abuse when that snowman and the reindeer were put out in the yard. And if someone wishes to put out a nativity scene, well, they’ve got rights, too. Just don’t look. Why can’t we all make these diverse ways of celebration a learning time, not a time of hostility and tempers and offense? Oh, and if you want your own beliefs represented in public via a symbol, why don’t you simply ask for one? You know, BEFORE you start ranting and raving and whining and complaining, etc. Nobody is trying to suppress you; maybe people just don’t KNOW! And whatever a person’s beliefs might be, there is never any excuse or good reason for bad behavior and violent reactions. Often, such public displays were purchased by donations or contributions; ask the others who share your beliefs to chip in.

When Sam Levinson came home from school and announced to his mother that “I’m the ‘S’ in ‘Merry Christmas!'”, his mother didn’t go bonkers and storm the school demanding that this very non-Jewish program be removed immediately for the sake of her family. She sighed, and smiled, and said “Oy.” Her family was secure enough in its beliefs to allow a little participation in other people’s beliefs as well.

Families so insecure in their beliefs that they can’t tolerate the slightest insight or gesture from someone else’s belief system are sad pathetic entities indeed. Families who are so sure that THEIRS is the ONLY proper belief system that they can’t tolerate the slightest insight or gesture from someone else’s are even sadder. All religions have that kind of people. They are not good advertising.

What’s happened to people? Why are so many people out there up in arms because the majority of this nation’s population is happy and smiling and sharing and putting up symbols of a belief system that most of that population believes in? Why can’t those who don’t, just smile and shake their heads and go home and put up their own stuff? I don’t get all huffy when it’s Eid-Ul-Adhaor or Boxing Day or Kwanzaa or Navaratri or Omisoka or Posada or Hanukkah or Solstice or Hug-A-Tree-Sprite Day or whatever it might be for someone, and I’m flattered when these people wish me well with language and vocabulary I don’t use myself. It wouldn’t bother me in the least to have to look at a symbol that doesn’t represent me. I would just be happy that someone is probably happy to be represented; I know I am! And if someone doesn’t approve of a symbol in a government building, why not just ask if they would please represent yours, too? Wouldn’t that be nicer, all around, than demanding that ALL symbols be removed because YOU don’t approve of them? People who work for the government like holidays, too. Government represents the people, doesn’t it? And you can always turn your chair so you don’t have to see people being happy because of something YOU don’t approve of. That little twinkling tree or creche on someone’s desk wasn’t put there to make you angry. It was put there to make someone happy.  Why are some people so bent on removing other people’s happiness?

Pretty much my only good memories about elementary school are about holidays. Take those away and I’ve got year after year of sitting out in the hallway tutoring the slow kids.

Why can’t we all just chill?

Because it just seems to me that if you’ve chosen to live in a country wherein the majority of the population believes in celebrating Christmas, you’re a bit of an asscrack if you make a big loud stink about your ‘rights’ and get all huffy when a little old lady smiles at you and wishes you a Merry Christmas. That’s just plain bad manners, oh sensitive one. You don’t have to participate, but what’s the harm in letting others do so? Are people storming your home and forcing you to be jolly? It’s not working.

Why are you so insensitive about the beliefs of friendly people who mean you no harm, and so ultra-sensitive and quick to find and take offense if you suspect someone has put up a twinkling star or a bell or perhaps has a candy cane in the house and might offer you a lick? Someone is wishing you happiness and peace? How dare they! How DARE someone wish you well! The NERVE!

I’ve been invited to Christmas parties all my life. Not everyone does it to my liking. That’s none of my business; I’m just happy to be with a bunch of people who wanted me there, too. I’ve been to Chinese New Year parties and regular New Year parties. I’ve been invited to Hanukkah parties, and Kwanzaa parties, and parties given by Hindus and Buddhists and Pagans and atheists and people who write “nothing” in the blank that asks for ‘religion.’

People who consider themselves ‘nothing’ make me kind of sad, but that’s their business, too.

People who pressure others to conform to a particular sect or belief system, now, that’s another subject altogether. But people who just want to express a wish for happiness to another person, using terminology he/she is familiar with? Thank them and smile back. Your face won’t break unless your belief system is based on finding offense in other people’s belief systems, in which case you’re a prick. And just seeing or hearing evidence of other people’s beliefs isn’t going to hurt anybody, either. I love learning about other people’s cultures and beliefs, and I love seeing their symbols and hearing their stories, too. This knowledge isn’t going to change or betray my own, but it might make me smarter.

Oh, and if I lived in a country amidst a population whose beliefs were alien and even offensive to mine, would I make a stink about it? No, I would not. I would pay attention and maybe learn something, and do my own thing at home. I would never presume to insist that the world revolve around me and believe only what I myself believed. How presumptuous can a person get?

Honestly? I am not offended when people use their own personal belief system to wish happiness to me. I am honored.

If a person sees me in public – or in private, for that matter – and extends a hand of friendship to me with words that are not representative of my own personal belief system, I don’t withdraw my hand in a huff and hurt them with a stream of words expressing my OWN beliefs in such a way that this person is fully aware they’ve somehow offended me by wishing me well in terms they understand but I don’t.

I’m also smart enough to understand that a creche is not only a symbol of Christmas but the reason we have it in the first place. Talk all you wish about winter solstices, etc; that’s something entirely different. We may have busted a move on your month, but the reason for the season is not the same. I’m willing to share; are you? And Hanukkah belongs to Christians as well as to Jews; at least, it belongs to the ones who’ve read up.

Please, everyone, wish me a Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Kwanzaa. If you celebrate nothing, wish me a Happy Holiday Season. Pleasant December. Good Times. People want to be friendly and wish you well. Don’t throw it back in their faces. Be nice.

Merry Christmas. Etc.

Previously posted last year, and the year before,  about this same time. Still true.  Nice people don’t let their belief systems get in the way of being nice to others.  If you can’t deal with that, you might want to look into your belief system a little more closely, because if it’s teaching you to be impolite, there’s something wrong with it.  Secure, good people don’t have to tear down other people in order to feel validated, vindicated, or politically correct.

Then again, political correctness has never been a goal for me.  I much prefer being intelligent, snarky,  and kind.

Unless you’re obsessed with politically correctness, in which case, may the bird of paradise fly up your nose.