Happy Birthday to My Beautiful Son

birthday boyMamacita says:  June is a busy month here, as both of my beautiful children have June birthdays. Last week was my daughter’s birthday, and today is my son’s birthday.

I remember so well the night he was born. Well, every parent remembers details, but his are unique. He was almost born in the car, because of the railroad track that goes right smack through the center of downtown. As we pulled up to the track, we heard the train. But let me start at the beginning.

I’ve posted this before, but it’s especially poignant today.

I woke up already in labor. When I tell you that I am a comatose sleeper, I am not exaggerating. It’s bizarre, really: alarms and radios and doorbells and conversation and labor? I’m unconscious. But let a child turn over in his/her bed, barely making a sound, and I’m wide awake and alert. Go figure.

We packed up the newly two-year-old Sara and ran for the car. Thankfully, it started.

We lived way out in the country then, and the hospital was on the opposite side of the county. We had a ways to drive.

When we got to town, we heard the train. Tim stopped, of course, and looked carefully at the approaching bright light.

“What do you think?” he asked.

“Gun it,” I replied.

So we did.

We pulled up in front of my parents’ house, where Mom was waiting on the sidewalk. We literally tossed Sara out the window and raced towards the Medical Center.

Tim dropped me off at the emergency entrance and went to park the car.

When he came back a few minutes later, the doctor and I were standing out in the hallway admiring the baby.

Truthfully, I’ve had, um, “constipational disorders” that were worse than my son’s birth. He weighed a little over eight pounds and the whole evening had an aura of unreality to it, because it was so easy. The worst part of it was my whiny crybaby roommate.

Yes, my son’s birth was a cinch. The whole thing (after I woke up) lasted about twenty minutes. No problems, no sweat. He later made up for lost time but I digress.

His bright red hair shone like the red planet among stars in the hospital nursery. Visitors would comment about it.

“Hey, lookit the one with the red hair, did you ever see anything like that before?”

And of course, nobody ever had. And he was MINE.

My little son, who has brought joy and laughter to my life. My precious and beautiful boy-child, whose glowing red hair is now shoulder-length, which doesn’t bother me in the least as I am a former long-haired hippie-type myself.   My freckle-faced smiley boy whose arms and legs and heaven knows what else are covered with tattoos.

My tiny loving little boy, who cried over sad stories and poems, who knows how to play Pan pipes and bagpipes and bassoons, cooks like a top chef, and who would win a philosophical debate with anyone on the planet.

My nearly-seven-feet-tall son, almost ready to graduate from college, living in a bachelor pad on the top floor of an old apartment complex, who hates to drive and takes the bus or walks wherever he goes. Well, sometimes young women drive him around; you know how it is. Young women with excellent taste, I might add.

My beautiful son, who is a computer expert and works in the IT department of the college where I teach.  I love running into him in the hall, and watching him at work, helping people, doing complicated things with wires and plugs and stuff that would make Arthur Weasley pee his pants with excitement.  When I look at my son, I feel a surge of love and pride combined that is so intense, there are no words yet invented to describe it.

His birth was easy. His journey to adulthood contained some serious trials, but he is now a cool and intelligent young man, and if you send me your resume and pass my rather lengthy interview process, I will consider introducing you.

And, of course, if you do marry my son, you will have ME as your mother- in- law. Talk about PERFECTION, right?

Right?

Things Nice People Already Know: Drive-Through Etiquette

Mamacita says:  Oh, I know. I’ve ranted about this before. But after waiting behind some old man in the pharmacy drive-through for maybe six days? until I gave up, parked, and went inside, I decided to rant about it again.  Or maybe it’s because I wasn’t able to get lunch all last week and this because the drive-through lines were so long and mainly full of families with all the time in the world who decided they were hungry right at prime-time working-people lunch times.

Yes, I should have packed a sandwich to eat on my 90 minute one-way commute, but I was counting on the milk of human kindness and common sense, neither of which was in evidence at the drive-throughs I had to pass by.

Drive-throughs are for convenience and SPEED, preferably both at once.  If you are using it only for your personal convenience,  I might be writing about you tonight.

Honest to boo, why is the concept of the drive-through so difficult for some people to comprehend? I don’t care if it’s a fast-food drive-through, the bank’s drive-through, the library drive-through, the pharmacy drive-through, or a bill-paying drive-through. Even those little islands at the post office where you drive up and drop your mail through the slot counts as a drive-through. And, every one of those drive-throughs has the same problem: some people don’t know how to use a drive-through.

Rule #1 – You are supposed to be ready before you pull up to the speaker. Sorry, kids, no changing-the-mind once the driver’s window is facing the speaker. Carved in stone. None of this pulling up to the speaker and THEN turning around to see what everybody wants. No, no, no, no, no. Period. Of course, if you’re the only car there, that’s different. It’s still rude, but at least you’re not trampling on anyone else’s time and patience. If you’re pulling up to the Post Office slot, don’t set the brake and commence writing checks and putting stamps on envelopes. Do that at home before you leave and have the whole pile ready to drop into the slot. Done right, you won’t even have to come to a full stop. The busy people behind you will love you. This holds true for the drive-in bank, too. Don’t pull up to the window and THEN start filling out deposit slips and signing checks. Do that before you leave the house, match everything together, and when you pull up to the window, smile at the harried teller who’s had to put up with all kinds of rude procrastinating customers today and hand her your completed bankwork. You’ll zip in and out in no time, and, again, the busy people behind you will try to describe you and your car to God when they’re at prayer that night, for extra blessings.

Rule #2 – No special orders at the drive-through window. They take longer and they hold up the line and that’s singularly unfair to the people behind you. If someone in your car must have mayonnaise and lettuce, hold the ketchup, you need to go inside. And if it’s rush hour, ie prime mealtime, you should just go home. A McDonald’s hamburger comes with certain things on it. If you don’t like McDonald’s hamburgers, go somewhere else. Or come back when there’s nobody in line.

Rule #3 – If it’s a work day for most people, and you’re off for whatever reason, don’t pile the kids in the van and go eat in a busy restaurant during prime lunch time. You’ve got all day, but the people behind you, frantically checking their watches, only have about twenty minutes. Step aside. If you’re not working that day, take the kids to lunch after prime lunch time is over. Working people with short lunch times will thank you, and what difference does it make if your kids’ nap and lunch time are a little weird a time or two a week? When I was home with my kids, I would NEVER have taken them to eat right when all the busy working people needed that time. I waited until after their rush was over. Inside or drive-through: let the people who have the least time go first.

Rule #4 – Don’t abuse the drive-through window. If you’re picking up prescription medicine at the pharmacy window, don’t ask the pharmacist to please run clear to the other side of the store and grab a gallon of 2% milk for you. Go inside.

Rule #5 – Most of these rules apply only to those busiest times of the day. If you’re pulling up to the drive-through at 2:30, a.m. or p.m., chances are there’s nobody waiting behind you. Do whatever you want.

Rule #6 – Because I said so. And, because it’s just basic human decency. Good manners. Etiquette. That’s why.

Rule #7 – If I’m in a drive-through line at 12:30 p.m., and that’s you in front of me with the four special burger orders, the Happy Meal Toy special requests, the french fries with no salt, and the chocolate shake split into five small cups, I probably loathe you. And rightfully so.

And now I’m hungry. It’s ten thirty p.m. so there probably won’t be a line. Not that it matters, because I NEVER go through the drive-through with a special order, even at ten thirty. The person behind me might really need to get somewhere.

As for the special orders, I do have one when we go to Burger King, but if it’s prime time I just suck it up. Because I have manners, and consideration for busy working people with short lunch times, and did I mention basic good MANNERS?

These are such small things to make so many people happy. And if you’re sitting there reading this all in a huff and thinking, “WELL. I’ll have her know that a drive-through is there for MY convenience!” then you’re probably a person in need of some drive-through etiquette.

P.S. If you’re in Indiana, where people are still allowed to stink up the whole place and give innocent people lung cancer smoke in restaurants, have the decency to NOT plop your fine self down beside or near children and present yourself as a bad example of humanity where they have to breathe in your stench.

P.P.S. The old guy who had decided to pitch a tent and live at the drive-through window was STILL THERE when I was leaving the parking lot. He had waited until it was his turn and everybody was waiting for him, to hunt through his wallet and his pockets for all of his insurance cards, checkbook, discount tag, coupon, etc. And yes, it took him that long to locate everything. Was he a sweet old man who was just confused? No. He was a rude beast. He should have been ready before he pulled up to the window, and when he realized he was going to be a while, he should have gone inside.

As nice, polite people do.

Reality TV vs. Education. And Testicles.

astronomy, night sky, universe, wonder, childrenMamacita says:  With a universe full of wonders out there, at our fingertips and just a little bit beyond, how can so many people be content sitting around watching fake people’s lives on TV instead of getting up, walking out the door, and adding a few wonders to that universe, themselves?

I don’t get it.

Sure, there’s some great TV out there, but an awful lot of people spend an awful lot of time staring at crazy people: hoarders, teen whores, neighborhood slut conventions, adulterers, moochers, drunks, druggies, criminals, hillapes. . . . not but what the occasional peek through the insane asylum window isn’t a hoot sometimes, but regularly?  Really?

Turn off the TV and go outside.  Seriously.  The kidnappers and murderers aren’t waiting out there to getcha, but the stars and planets are, and so is the moon.  And on the nights when the moon can’t be there, the stars shine all that much brighter to make up for it.

Every star cluster – constellation – has a story for you.  It’s not possible to talk about the night sky without talking about the ancient myths, and the people who believed in them.  No TV show, however slutty and insane it might be, can begin to compare with the stories the night sky can tell you. Mythology is the best soap opera you could ever imagine.

Wake your kids in the middle of the night and take them outside.  Encourage them to look up.  Point out the difference between the stars and the planets.  Talk to them about the moon and its phases, and how the word “moon” and the word “month” share the same root. Talk to them about the tides, because you can’t talk about the sea without talking about the moon.

Learning is about making connections.  The more you know, the more you will be able to learn.  Try to learn at least one new, cool word every day.  Learn it thoroughly.  Learn its history; many words, like many people, have fascinating histories.

Peninsula.  Testimony.  Um, you might want to wait until your kids are a little older before you encourage them to make THOSE connections.  Then again, why not give ’em a giggle?

Admit it.  You’re picturing a map of the United States right now, in your head, and you’re looking at Florida in a whole new way.  And you will, for the rest of your life, associate it with the root (heh) word of peninsula.  And also, you now know what that root word means.  Got a pen in your hand?  Pencil? Again, heh.

I’m not going to tell you anything about testimony.  Look it up for yourself.  It’ll be worth your time and trouble.  Also?  If you’re ever in court, you’ll probably be fined for contempt because you won’t be able to stop giggling.

Snookie is just slutty and stupid.  The teen moms are quite possibly the worst role models EVER, and aimed at an audience that is, at least most of them, not yet able to distinguish pathetic losers from cool kids their age getting their 15 minutes in.  As for shows featuring hoarders, swamp people, and bridezillas, well,  I suppose it’s the modern equivalent of a circus freak show.

You know.  Like a train wreck, which we’d give anything NOT to happen, but since it did, we can’t take our eyes off it.

Sad.  But I wonder how many of these people would shape up a little if they weren’t experiencing their truckload of freebies and their 15 minutes. . . . .

Lights.  Camera.  Action.  ATTENTION.  MONEY.  Not to mention sick, sad, horrible grammar.

I suppose reality TV is a kind of education.  For some, it’s inspiration to get their own sick lives on camera, and for others, it’s proof that they really do need to stay in school lest they end up another bad example for the universe.  Laughing stock doesn’t make nourishing soup.

Quotation Saturday: The Snarky Arts

Quotation Saturday, Scheiss Weekly, Jane Byers Goodwin, quotations, quotes Mamacita says:  Ah, the Arts. Without them, we’d all spend our money on Flintstones mudflaps, gas station black velvet Elvises, Billy Ray Cyrus, ceramic geese (seasonal clothing extra) and anything with Lindsey Lohan, and think THAT was art. Sadly, some people think so now. (Be still, my achy breaky heart. . . .)

Hopefully (that’s for you, Erik Deckers!) you all have also noticed that artists are Magic Mirror, snarkiest of them allquite possibly the snarkiest of them all. Magic mirrors across the nation agree.  OF THEM ALL!

What could be better than snarky art?  Let me know if you think of anything.  (Food doesn’t count.)  (Unless it’s deep-dish Sicilian pizza from Grecco’s.)  (Which trumps everything else.)

1. Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands – and all you have to do is scratch it. –Thomas Beecham (to a cellist)

2. Pavarotti is not vain, but conscious of being unique. –Peter Ustinov

3. Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour. –Gioacchino Rossini

4. Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at six o’clock. After it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20. –David Randolph

5. All music is folk music. I ain’t never heard no horse sing a song. –Louis Armstrong

6. Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. –H.L. Mencken

7. It is a pity that the composer did not leave directions as to how flat he really did want it sung. –Anon.

8. Mine was the kind of piece in which nobody knew what was going on, including the composer, the conductor and the critics. Consequently I got pretty good notices. -Oscar Levant

9. Most rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read. –Frank Zappa

10. “Classic.” A book which people praise and don’t read. –Mark Twain

11. There is a great deal of difference between the eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read. –G.K. Chesterton

12. He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it. –Joseph Heller

13. I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true. –Dorothy Parker

14. Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way round. –David Lodge

15. I’ve read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free. –John Barrymore

16. When I want to read a novel, I write one. –Benjamin Disraeli

17. Would you convey my compliments to the purist who reads your proofs and tell him or her that I write in a sort of broken-down patois which is something like the way a Swiss waiter talks, and that when I split an infinitive, God damn it, I split it so it will stay split. –Raymond Chandler

18. Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts. –Jeffrey Robinson

19. Yeats is becoming so aristocratic, he’s evicting imaginary tenants. –Oliver St. John Gogarty

20. What other culture could have produced someone like Hemingway and not seen the joke? –Gore Vidal

21 An incinerator is a writer’s best friend. –Thornton Wilder

22. I’ve just read that I am dead. Don’t forget to delete me from your list of subscribers. –Rudyard Kipling (writing to a magazine that had published his obituary a little too soon)

23. Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. –Stephen Hawking

24. I am the most spontaneous speaker in the world because every word, every gesture, and every retort has been carefully rehearsed. –George Bernard Shaw

25. It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? –J.M. Barrie (to H.G. Wells)

26. The covers of this book are too far apart. –Ambrose Bierce

27. The profession of book-writing makes horse racing seem like a solid stable business. –John Steinbeck

28. He directed rehearsals with all the airy deftness of a rheumatic deacon producing Macbeth for a church social. –Noel Coward

29. From the moment I picked your book up until the moment I put it down I could not stop laughing. Someday I hope to read it. –Groucho Marx

30. An author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother who talks about her own children. -Benjamin Disraeli

31. I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tel me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974. –Jeffrey Bernard

32. I never read the life of any important person without discovering that he knew more and could do more than I could ever hope to know or to do in half a dozen lifetimes. –J.B. Priestley

33. They told me how Mr. Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right. –Winston Churchill

34. The humour of Dostoevsky is the humour of a barloafer who ties a kettle to a dog’s tail. –W. Somerset Maugham

35. The Compleat Angler is acknowledged to be one of the world’s books. Only the trouble is that the world doesn’t read its books; it borrows a detective story instead. –Stephen Leacock

36. If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism. If you steal form many, it’s research. –Wilson Mizner

37. Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction. –Adlai Stevenson

38. My favorite poem is the one that starts “thirty days hath September” because it actually tells you something. –Groucho Marx

39. There are only two styles of portrait painting: the serious and the smirk. –Charles Dickens

40. Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing. –Ralph Richardson

41. The play was a great success, but the audience was a total failure. –Oscar Wilde

42. She took her curtain calls as though she had just been un-nailed from the cross. –Noel Coward (of Edith Evans)

43. We are paid to have dirty minds. –John Trevelyan (film censor)

44. Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. –Billy Wilder

45. There was laughter in the back of the theatre, leading to the belief that someone was telling jokes back there. –George S. Kaufman

46. Try the cock, Albert. It’s a delicacy, and you know where it’s been. –Helen Mirren, at dinner in The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover

47. I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom. –Bob Hope

48. I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up. –Groucho Marx

49. A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad. –Sam Goldwyn

50. Days off. –Spencer Tracy, when asked what he looked for in a film script.

That Was Then and This, Sadly, Is Now

saturdaysMamacita says: Even when I was a child, I was a reader. Not just a reader-in-school, either; I was a READER. When I wasn’t climbing the apple trees next door, skating around the block, or riding my bicycle, I was reading. I read at home. I read at church. I read at school, between little short assignments that took ten minutes but which were alloted an hour.

I read everything I could get my hands on. I read Gone with the Wind when I was in the third grade. My favorite book in fifth grade was A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and that one is still one of my all-time favorites. I somehow skipped over the condescending large-print novella-type baby books and went right from The Little White House in first grade to Heidi, the unabridged version. My second grade teacher borrowed Heidi from me and attempted to read it aloud to our class, but she gave up after two days because so many kids just simply couldn’t comprehend some of the vocabulary, and apparently they weren’t able to put two and two together via CONTEXT CLUES, either. (Be careful if you want to get Heidi for your kids; there are tons of bad, bad translations out there. A good indication of a bad version is when Klara’s name is spelled “Clara,” when Fraulein Rottenmeier becomes Miss Rottenmeier, and when the goats are named Little Swan and Little Bear. I mean, the story takes place in SWITZERLAND and GERMANY, for crying out loud. Dear Lord, I hate bad translations and condescending vocabulary that assumes our kids are idiots.) As for shortened versions of books, well, whoever thought THAT up should be dragged out into the streets and shot. Abridgements are the devil, and, yes, I do mean THAT devil.

(I scoff in the general direction of abridgements. I sneer at them. I loathe them. They cheapen our literature and encourage our children to believe that reading isn’t fun. Please, I beg of you all, do NOT buy the abridged version of ANYTHING! Abridgements are the ultimate literary condescension.)

How do we expect our kids to learn cool new words if all they get in school or at home are stupid short little stories with simple short words?  What’s that?  Your kid doesn’t KNOW that word?  Well, he will once he reads the story and applies context clues to it.  What’s that?  Your kid doesn’t know how to do that?  Yes, he does.  Get out of his way, stop condescending, and watch him soar.  I sincerely hope there’s a special level of Hell for adults to stand in the way of a child who is perfectly capable of learning, soaring, marveling at the universe.  Sure, it can be risky.  Back off.  Encourage the riskiness.

Besides my literary snobbery when it comes to children’s and YA books, I am also ecstatic that the BEST kids’ books are still about kids who get up off their asses, go outside, and do things.  Harry Potter and his friends didn’t spend their lives sitting on a sofa wiggling their thumbs at a screen.  Neither did Percy Jackson, or Laura Ingalls, or ANY self-respecting literary character.  Then again, a book about a typical modern kid’s life – sitting around, watching television, playing video games, and carefully riding a bicycle up and down the sidewalk in front of the house whilst wearing kneepads, a helmet, and being watched by anxious parents – would be boring beyond belief.

We used to call THOSE poor kids “sissies.” That’s because they weren’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything without their parents right there, holding their hands, fighting their battles, and making darn sure they didn’t FALL DOWN and GET HURT.

The sight of a little kid like me, bruised from head to toe and covered with bandaids, hanging upside down from an apple tree or calling out, “Look Ma, no hands!” on my bike would have sent some of these modern mothers into hysteria. Then again, I belong to an era when mothers didn’t faint and then sue when their kids came home from the playground with a broken arm or a gash. That’s just what happened when kids played.

It still is, but a lot of parents these days just can’t deal with such awful things. Some of them can’t even deal with dirt. Poor kids.

Here’s an excerpt from A New and Different Summer, by Lenora Mattingly Weber, who is one of my favorite authors. Her books were written long before “my time,” but it doesn’t matter, because a good book is a good book.

In this excerpt, Katie Rose is babysitting for a spoiled little boy she refers to as “The Prince,” because he must be catered to in every way. Her little brother Brian has ridden his bicycle to The Prince’s house to deliver a message to her:

What a noticeable contrast between the slim, tanned, hard-muscled Brian and the overweight, flabby, pampered Charles!

. . . the prince couldn’t bear not to be noticed. He pushed up to Brian. “Is that awful old bike yours? I’ve got a brand-new one. I ride it up and down the sidewalk while Mother watches from the porch.”

Brian gave him an unbelieving look. “Why does she watch you from the porch?”

“Because there are real mean boys in this block, and they ram their bicycles into me.”

“You ought’nt to let them,” Brian said almost gently. “When you see them making for you, you ram them first. Nobody rams us.” He gave Katie Rose a look of both puzzlement and pity, swung onto his hard worn bicycle and rode off.

These days, sissy, flabby, chicken-shit Charles would be more common than independent Brian. Sad.  And whose fault is this?  Hello, hovering, interfering, cowardly, dysfunctional, clueless Mums and Daddums.

If you are looking for some great books for your children’s summer reading, I highly recommend anything by Elizabeth Enright. Her characters leave the house -after chores – early in the morning, usually carrying their lunch with them, and don’t return home until the sun is going down. They have adventures. They talk to strangers. They build things out of scraps and junk. They befriend tramps and orphans and stray dogs. They also go to the opera and the art museum, and know how to behave themselves in restaurants.

One of the trademarks of a good children’s or YA book is that it can be enjoyed by adults, too. In fact, I think I’ll get out my stack of Elizabeth Enright’s books and get started.

Hello, Rush, and Mona, and Randy, and Oliver Melendy. How ya doin’, Portia, Foster, and Julian? How are you, Garnet? What’s new, Mab?

These kids walked out of the house and did things. Even if such things had been invented back then, they would have stared in horror at the very idea of staying home all day, sitting on the sofa watching tv or exercising nothing but their thumbs. And their mothers had better things to do than stand around watching their kids breathe, gasping when they fell and insisting that 45 minutes was plenty long enough to mess around in the back yard. Elizabeth Enright’s kids and their mothers would have laughed at a parent who came along when the kids played, or called another parent to arrange a playdate instead of just letting the kids out in the morning to play with whoever else was around.

Yes, bad things do happen to our children.

Some of those bad things are their lack of freedom, initiative, adventure, creativity, and self-made friends of all ages. Another bad thing is the inability of so many of them to even READ about these kids.

Of course, reading for fun isn’t encouraged any more. It’s reading for Satan carefully monitored grade-level standardized tests that’s important now.

A lot of modern kids don’t even know how to skate or ride a bike or climb a tree. I’m not putting down computer games – I like them myself. But such things should be done AFTER a normal day, not in place of. I hate television, but most people like it, and most kids watch way too much of it. A little is fine; a lot is not.

No wonder so many of our kids are fat and stupid. Sheesh. Some of them have never fatkidsbreathed fresh air in their lives – they go from hermetically sealed homes to hermetically sealed schools, with the occasional jaunt to air-conditioned WalMarts and malls. I bet a lot of “allergies” are really just the body’s reaction to fresh air. It’s the lungs gasping and saying, “What IS this stuff?”

Ah, American childhood. Sofas, and gamepads, and chicken nuggets, and french fries, and macaroni & cheese, and carefully supervised & timed playdates, and DVD’s to occupy every spare moment, including riding-in-the-van-time, lest they have a moment to sit still, look around, notice things, and think.

Poor kids.

P.S.  You really don’t want to get me started on families that are ruled by the children.  No, you really don’t.

The Shit Epiphany

shit epiphany, Scheiss WeeklyMamacita says:  I’ve posted about this one before, but for some reason it’s been running through my mind and making me giggle all last night and was still tickling me when I got up today.

When I was younger, I used to use a lot of bad words. I didn’t learn them at home; I  learned a lot of them at Baptist Youth Group and Church Camp, but the habit really  started in college, after I saw Love Story. Jenny used a lot of bad words, and I thought it made her seem cool, and I wanted to be cool, so I imitated her. Then she died, and even the bad words couldn’t save her, so I tried to taper off somewhat, but habits die hard, both good ones and bad, and I was so fascinated by these few words and expressions and the effect they had on staid stuffy old people that they continued to slip out, without any apparent effort on my part. I was an English major. I could make the language glow.

I had potty mouth, and I had it bad. And then I got married. And then I had a baby – a beautiful angelic infant with curly golden hair and a soul of such innocence that when I looked at her, I felt like a privileged peasant raising a princess. And then I had another one – where did these little people COME FROM? – and this one was a red-headed wonder whose eyes beamed “genius” before we ever took him home from the hospital. I had been perfected. And I still used bad words.  Most of the time I didn’t even hear them when they came out of my mouth.

Now, young parents with potty mouth must remember something here. Tiny children learn to speak by imitating the language they hear.

This was an elementary bit of science that hadn’t occurred to me, because whenever we spoke directly to our tiny toddler and our newborn, we used VERY appropriate and pretty mommy/daddy/baby language. Oh, you all know it. That schmoopy pigin we talk to babies and kitty-cats with.

Ah, but it’s always the footprints you DON’T want them to follow, that they pick up on the fastest.

My daughter had a touch of the potty mouth at a most inappropriately young age. She didn’t just babble – she used words absolutely appropriately. I thought it was funny.

Looking back, I’m just appalled at my lack of judgment.

As we drove down to French Lick to the family reunion, I reminded her to be sure not to say, um, certain words there. She agreed. I think she even understood. That bothers me now, too.  She had just turned two years old, and she KNEW we were both using words that weren’t proper.  Then again, she’s a wordsmith, too.  It starts early on.

Sometimes it takes a humiliation to open your eyes and make you shut your mouth.

With this background in place, I will now tell this story that some of you have already heard, again.

Tim’s grandparents were awesome, lovely people; they were so good to us when we were first married, in many, many ways. They were also VERY conservative holy-rollers. Key words here: very conservative. VERY conservative. VERY conservative. To be perfectly honest, I was nervous around my husband’s family, because they are all quite conservative and I lived in fear of shocking them. I still do, although I think we’ve all unwound a lot over the years. I must also add that his family is quite possibly the nicest bunch of people I’ve ever encountered in my life. 🙂

His grandparents were lovely people, too, but I was always just a tiny little bit afraid and in awe of them. Dowdy clothes, bun-hair, dark hose, tongues, oil. . . .you get the picture. And no, I’m NOT making fun of them. I loved them dearly and deeply. I am merely DESCRIBING them, which intelligent people can see at a glance.

These precious and wonderful grandparents were hosting a family reunion. Reunions at this huge white Victorian house were so awesome, there is no way I can begin to describe them in this post, but I’ll try at a later date. Norman Rockwell had NOTHING on these lovely people. Sigh. I miss them terribly.

Ramble, ramble. . . . .

At this particular reunion, their huge table was crowded with Tim’s family, every single one a kind and loving and humorous and incredible person.

My newborn son was sawing logs on Grandma’s big bed, and my daughter was dining with the rest of us at that big table. She was sitting in a red wooden high chair that had been in their family for generations.

At this particular time she was going through a dining phase that can best be described as the “shaved ice” phase. She was thin as a rail, and simply wouldn’t touch most foods at ALL. The grandmothers and uncles and aunts were all worried to death about her, even though she was bright-eyed and energetic and obviously loving the complete control that any kid with food issues has over the adults in her life.

At this meal, she was pressured from all sides to eat this, or that, PLEASE? Just a taste, for Mamaw, for Grandma, for Grandad, for Aunt, Uncle. . . .Skin and bones, SKIN AND BONES, she must EAT. EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT.

Finally, she’d had enough. Catching my eye across the table, she knew better than to disobey the orders about potty mouth she’d been given before we got there, but she’d had enough of the constant nagging about food.

So my princess, my precious baby girl, freshly two years old but talking in complete sentences from the womb, master of innocent satire, stood up in the high chair, put both tiny hands on her tiny hips, swept the room and the people with an exasperated glance, and said, “Oh Mommy, I wish I could say SHIT.”

And I wished I could say ‘abracadabra’ and just vanish. I was torn between falling out of my chair laughing, and falling out of my chair to disappear forever underneath that massive table.

Nobody laughed. I’m sure they wanted to, but the shock and the environment hushed it all up.

In my mind, I refer to this incident as the Shit Epiphany.

I made so many parenting mistakes, looking back. But really, all I can do about it now is mention them so YOU won’t make the same ones.

Actually, I think I’m making fun of myself. It was one of so many mistakes, I’ve lost count. It just happened to be a very public, noticeable mistake.

For many, many years, I cleaned up my verbal act enough that she had no more of “those” words to mimic. Most of me is ashamed, but part of the shame is in the fact that there is a teeny-tiny* part of me that still thinks it was funny.  Knee-slappin’ hilarious.  In fact, I’m laughing out loud right now.

I’m also ashamed to confess that some of that potty-mouth is back again.

But I’m nice, really I am. I’m bloody @#$%^&*())(*&^ nice.

P.S.  * It’s actually not a teeny-tiny part; it’s a humongous big part that almost rolls across the room laughing out loud every time I think about it.  The teeny-tiny part was the shame, and this is, I fully realize, something to be ashamed of, too.  I’ll think about it more when I stop laughing at it.