Scheiss Weekly

I Love Little Pussy

Posted on July 28, 2012 by Jane GoodwinJuly 29, 2012

Mamacita says: People with tiny, limited vocabularies scare me.

I am positive that these are the people who melt down in public and starting stabbing everyone within reach.

It’s a fact that the person who throws the first punch generally has a smaller vocabulary than his/her victim. People with small vocabularies have trouble understanding basic conversation. People with small vocabularies often don’t have enough words to communicate their thoughts, or understand other people’s conversations. Picture a toddler trying to communicate – a tiny child with not enough actual words to convey what he/she is trying to say to you. Quite often, the toddler will give up and just start belting anyone and anything in his/her path, or the child will simply melt down in a tantrum of frustration. This, much of the time, is forgivable in a small child; it is NOT forgivable in an adult.

Violent adults are often like this – many violent people are just frustrated at their own lack of ability to understand others and to communicate to others.

This is no one’s fault but their own, by the way. Tiny-vocabulary adults will get little sympathy from me. Life is full of choices, and if they’ve chosen not to expand their horizons with cool new words every day, so be it. They’ve condemned themselves to a life of mediocrity. You can buy a dictionary and a thesaurus at the Dollar Tree.

Every book we read expands our vocabularies, and simultaneously our ability to connect with the universe. Non-readers don’t experience that.

Back in the middle school, almost every. Single. Fight. was started by a non-reader with a small vocabulary. He/she just simply ran out of means of communication, or misinterpreted the other kid’s words, and acted out in the only way he/she could understand: physically. I believe the same is true for adults who don’t know very many words.

I think what annoys me most – at least right this moment – are people whose vocabularies are so limited that they know only one meaning for a word: people with no comprehension of context or multiple definitions depending ON that context.

There are, as we speak, committees of “concerned parents” trying to edit classic children’s and adult literature. They read that “. . . Scrooge had no further intercourse with the spirits. . . .” and assume that Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas Present had a little thing going on, ifyouknowwhatImean. These people hear the Christmas carol lyrics “. . . the ox and ass kept time. . . .” and simply HAVE to change that dreadful word to “lamb.” They want no part of singing – or hearing their innocent children singing – about donning their gay apparel.

Apparently, such people do not own a dictionary or thesaurus, and have no concept of multiple definitions or context. They hear a word and know only one meaning.

I have little patience with these people, because I do not suffer fools gladly. I don’t think anybody should, in fact. Perhaps, if fools were not catered to so much, people would try not to BE fools.

I am not speaking of English language learners, or SPED, so don’t start with me. I am speaking of people who just simply find it easier to be ignorant of their own language, and force everybody else to dumb down to their level.

This is inexcusably horrible.

Here is a piece of advice I give my students each semester, and now I give it to you: Keep a dictionary in the bathroom. Learn at least one new word in all of its nuances with each twosie. If you’re going to be sitting there for a while, learn several new words.

Keep a thesaurus in there, too, if for no other reason than to be able to describe your awesome pooping experience in words other than “stinky, loud, and big.”

Give your kids a thesaurus apiece and encourage them to fling cool big words at each other. Do not make your kids share one thesaurus; each kid needs his/her own.

And keep your ignorance away from our libraries. They have trouble enough with budgets without having to deal with ignorant gits with tiny linguistic skills.

Also? Shame on you.

I Love Little Pussy, by Jane Taylor

I love little Pussy,
Her coat is so warm;
And if I don’t hurt her
She’ll do me no harm.
So I’ll not pull her tail,
Nor drive her away,
But Pussy and I
Very gently will play;
She shall sit by my side,
And I’ll give her some food;
And Pussy will love me
Because I am good.
I’ll pat little Pussy,
And then she will purr,
And thus show her thanks
For my kindness to her;
I’ll not pinch her ears,
Nor tread on her paw,
Lest I should provoke her
To use her sharp claw;
I never will vex her,
Nor make her displeased,
For Pussy can’t bear
To be worried or teased.

With your mind out of the gutter, “concerned parents,” that’s a lovely little poem. Too bad these parents have succeeded in having it removed from many elementary anthologies. A lot of “concerned citizens” might want to concern themselves with their own brainwaves before “concerning” themselves with trying to limit anyone else’s.

Vapid, specious pablum-eaters.

My Semi-Pornographic Love Affair With Grammar

Posted on July 15, 2012 by Jane GoodwinFebruary 16, 2017

Mamacita says: I love a good turn of phrase. I can be swept off my feet by it. I can be swayed and influenced and converted and my vote can be purchased and my virginity can be compromised. . . .um, pretend you didn’t read that part. . . .

Language is power, and a pen is more powerful than any Ollivander wand. I love wit and whimsy and sarcasm. I love a quotation that knocks my socks off. I love WORDS. I love their meanings and their origins. I love how a word and a person both have histories. I love all the things that can be done with words. I love making them into adjectives and adverbs and nouns. I love the “kick” of a strategically placed interjection. I love how the choice of a tiny preposition can change the focus of an entire book. I love how a comma can turn a legal contract into the opposite of what a careless reader believes it to be. I love dictionaries. I love to play with a thesaurus. I love the preciseness of grammar, and I love how that very preciseness gives us the ability to be witty, and whimsical, and how it not only lets our imagination soar, but also allows us to share what we discover as we soar. Figurative language depends on grammar for accuracy; metaphor, simile, hyperbole, alliteration, personification, etc., are awesome only if they’re done well.

Did I mention how much I love a clever turn of phrase? Literally and figuratively; I love words. You do understand the difference between literally and figuratively, don’t you? Of course you do. I’m going to assume that you do. Please don’t prove me wrong; it would be quite disillusioning. I’m counting on your refined inferential skills here.

Even more, I love how someone who KNOWS HOW can take that preciseness and twist it, toss it, and tie it into a knot. Good writers are a lot like good athletes; once they know the rules well, those rules can be twisted and turned into even more.

More what? More of everything. There’s nothing in the rule book about Michael Jordan flying through the air like a veritable Peter Pan, but it wasn’t AGAINST the rules, either. Ditto a good writer.

Occasionally, too, a rule needs to be broken in order to make a point. This is true in business, as well, and also in our schools. A leader who doesn’t know when to break a rule is useless, and a writer who doesn’t know when (or how) to break a rule will not be as good a communicator as a writer who understands the language more thoroughly.

I love reading articles about people who are upset because their lack of grammar skills resulted in a lost court case, contract dispute, etc. Item: I am not on the side of the person who has chosen to become an adult without any honed grammar skills. I LOVE it when grammar-ignorant people lose.

One can almost always tell whether a piece of writing is written by someone who knows his/her grammar rules well and has chosen to twist them, or if a piece of writing is written by someone who is just plain ignorant.

Um, I teach writing. I love my job.

What I mean to say is, I LOVE MY JOB.

I hope you can tell.

P.S. Speaking of my vote. . . . I will generally vote for the candidate with the best grammar, my assumption being that the candidate with the best grammar probably studied everything else in more detail and depth, too. People with good grammar have paid attention. That’s been my experience, anyway.

P.P. S. If there are only two candidates, I’ll vote for the one with the better grammar. It’s that three degrees of comparison rule. . . .

P.P.P.S. “Grammar” is spelled with an “-AR,” not an “-ER.” The word is “grammar,” not “grammer.” Unless we are speaking about your grandmother, in which case you should call her whatever she wants you to call her, and spell it however she dictates.

Or unless you are referring to Kelsey Grammer, but we are not discussing adultery in this post.

Quotation Saturday: J.K. Rowling

Posted on July 14, 2012 by Jane GoodwinJuly 14, 2012

Mamacita says: J.K. Rowling is my idol. There; I’ve said it and now everybody knows.

She has earned every penny, and she did it with her imagination. I admire this so much – there are no words. No words of my own, anyway.

She has created a world in which those with imagination, creativity, and curiosity can dwell happily, with peers, even; this is often the first time and only place such people CAN go. Rowling has also done more for literacy than any government program. With my own eyes, I have seen semi-literate little boys striving to read a Harry Potter book, because the playground talk about the characters, setting, plots, themes, etc. are so alluring, no kid wants to be without them.

As for parents and “teachers” who think Harry Potter is evil, and who have forbidden them. . . . well, this topic needs its own post, because I firmly believe such people are idiots, and that’s speaking euphemistically. For people who don’t believe in Harry Potter, “euphemistically” means “using nice words when snark is what I really think.” I always assume that people who advocate censorship are stupid, and have tiny vocabularies.

1. It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

2. It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends.

3. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.

4. It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.

5. Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.

6. Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth.

7. His priority did not seem to be to teach them what he knew, but rather to impress upon them that nothing, not even… knowledge, was foolproof.

8. Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.

7. If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.

8. It is my belief… that the truth is generally preferable to lies.

9. Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.

10. Choosing to live in narrow spaces leads to form of mental agoraphobia and that brings its own terrors. I think the willfully unimaginative see more monsters, they are often more afraid. What is more, those who choose not to empathize enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude through our own apathy.

11. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not lived at all. In which case, you’ve failed by default.

12. Personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a checklist of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications are not your life.

13. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction. The moment you are old enough to take the wheel, the responsibility lies with you.

14. We do not need magic to transform our world. We carry all the power we need inside ourselves already. We have the power to imagine better.

15. You will never truly know yourself or the strength of your relationships until both have been tested by adversity.

16. It is a curious thing, Harry, but perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it. Those who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well.

17. You sort of start thinking anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.

18. You think the dead we loved ever truly leave us? You think that we don’t recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble?

19. People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.

20. Voldemort himself created his worst enemy, just as tyrants everywhere do! Have you any idea how much tyrants fear the people they oppress? All of them realize that, one day, amongst their many victims, there is sure to be one who rises against them and strikes back!

21. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.

22. We’re all human, aren’t we? Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving.

23. Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.

24. . . . you sort of start thinking anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.

25. Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me. . . I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.

26. Books are like mirrors: if a fool looks in, you cannot expect a genius to look out.

27. There’s always room for a story that can transport people to another place.

28. To hurt is as human as to breathe.

29. Love as powerful as your mother’s for you leaves its own mark. To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.

30. I really feel that we’re not giving children enough credit for distinguishing what’s right and what’s wrong. I, for one, devoured fairy tales as a little girl. I certainly didn’t believe that kissing frogs would lead me to a prince, or that eating a mysterious apple would poison me, or that with the magical “Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo” I would get a beautiful dress and a pumpkin carriage. I also don’t believe that looking in a mirror and saying “Candyman, Candyman, Candyman” will make some awful serial killer come after me. I believe that many children recognize Harry Potter for what it is, fantasy literature. I’m sure there will always be some that take it too far, but that’s the case with everything. I believe it’s much better to engage in dialog with children to explain the difference between fantasy and reality. Then they are better equipped to deal with people who might have taken it too far.

31. As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.

32. I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library.

33. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

34. I’m hoping to do something good in the world!

35. Curiosity is not a sin…. But we should exercise caution with our curiosity… yes, indeed.

26. I always advise children who ask me for tips on being a writer to read as much as they possibly can. Jane Austen gave a young friend the same advice, so I’m in good company there.

27. If she could have done one thing to make absolutely sure that every single person in this school would read your interview, it was banning it!

28. When I was quite young my parents never said books were off limits.

29. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.

30. Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic.

31. Whatever happens to your body, your soul will survive, untouched…

32. It is impossible to manufacture or imitate love.

33. She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, even, and perhaps most especially, when that person couldn’t see it in themselves.

34. No man or woman alive, magical or not, has ever escaped some form of injury, whether physical, mental, or emotional. To hurt is as human as to breathe.

35. I sat and thought for four (delayed train) hours, and all the details bubbled up in my brain, and this scrawny, black-haired, bespectacled boy who didn’t know he was a wizard became more and more real to me.

36. How do you want to be remembered?
~As someone who did the best she could with the talent she had.

37. If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped transform for the better. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

38. That which Voldemort does not value, he takes no trouble to comprehend. Of house-elves and children’s tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Voldemort knows and understands nothing. Nothing. That they all have a power beyond his own, a power beyond the reach of any magic, is a truth he has never grasped.

39. I am very frustrated by fear of imagination, I don’t think that’s healthy.

40. If you don’t like to read you haven’t found the right book.

41. Just like your mother, you’re unfailingly kind. A trait people never fail to undervalue, I’m afraid.

42. Nothing is more unnerving to the truly conventional than the unashamed misfit!

43. You can have a very intense relationship with fictional characters because they are in your own head.

44. Why had he never appreciated the miracle that he was, brain and nerve and bounding heart?

45. Those who loves us never really leaves us.

46. My parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that would never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension.

47. Always have a vivid imagination, for you never know when you might need it.

48. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.

49. The truth is always easier than a lie or an evasion – easier to deal with and easier to live with.

50. My readers have to work with me to create the experience. They have to bring their imaginations to the story. No one sees a book in the same way, no one sees the characters the same way. As a reader you imagine them in your own mind. So, together, as author and reader, we have both created the story.

I Am Too Ornery For Organized Religion

Posted on July 13, 2012 by Jane GoodwinJuly 13, 2012

Mamacita says: I am a sincere believer, but I am also a questioner. I don’t have a problem reconciling science and religion, but I do have a problem with people who do.

I do not enjoy sitting in a large megachurch. When I look around at the opulence, expensive carved wood, tile, chandeliers, huge foyers, multiple buildings, plush carpet, and lavish wall art, all I can think about is the food, clothing, shoes, books, and school supplies all that money might have bought; instead, this church chose to dress itself up. I don’t deal well with bling. I much prefer literate, well-fed children and libraries. Churches that spend a lot of money on opulence, bling, and shiny things make me doubt their integrity and intentions. I also question churches that send most of their resources overseas when there is so much need right next door.

If a church has no hymnals and projects the lyrics to congregational songs on a big projector, I tune out everything that comes afterwards. There’s something a about a hymnal held in my two hands, with dog-eared pages and old songs, that warms my heart and opens my mind. Those lyrics projected high up on the wall are impersonal and creepy. If the lyrics have been sanitized, simplified, and in any way changed, I tune out. Censorship is of the devil – Satan – and has no place in a church or anywhere else. If a congregation is so stupid that it doesn’t understand the words, perhaps these lucky churches should put a dictionary in the pews. Those who in any way change the words of someone else are criminals and enablers of ignorance. The minister might even consider defining the “hard” words for the stupid among the congregation before the singing begins. “Ebenezer” ain’t that difficult, and does exist outside of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.

I am far too particular about the talent of people who perform in public, and that, sadly, includes a “praise band.” It also includes the choir. This is MY problem, and I realize that, for all voices and talents are important and worthy of a patient and tolerant ear, but I have never had a patient and tolerant ear. In someone’s home, or an elementary school talent show, I can deal with someone being off-key or arhythmic, but in public (and in hospitals) there must be rhythm or, again, I will tune out. Eagerness, enthusiasm, and self-esteem can’t compete with talent in a public performance. Yes, I know I’m a snob.

I sit in the back. If the back is already full, I’ll try the balcony. If the balcony is full, or – and I’ve encountered this many times – locked, I will go home. If a stranger attempts to grab me, or pray for me, or in any way invade my personal space, I will freeze up inside and never return. Please keep that sweet, enthusiastic, sincere, genuinely kind and well-meaning old woman or man away from me, for I do NOT appreciate the gushing, the invitations, or the buddy-buddy-ness. If I’m asked to stand and introduce myself, I’ll leave.

People who jump up and down, raise both arms into the air, and shout during the sermon? I consider these people rude and intrusive. God speaks to me in a low, hushed, quiet voice, easily drowned out, and if someone is shouting near me, I can’t hear God; I can only hear the shouting, flailing human. I used to think people leaped and shouted in church for the express purpose of keeping God’s voice silenced, but now I think some people are so repressed outside of the church that they have to cut loose somewhere. And of course, some people just like to shout at God.

I figure that this post has offended a lot of people in one way or another, or in many ways, even. That’s all right. I’ve been to many churches whose programs have offended me, too. Groups of people have every right to have whatever kind of service they choose, and they certainly don’t have to please me. And, I can pick and choose whatever kind of church’s services I wish, too.

While I’m searching, I’ve been spooked out the door more times than one. I’m tickled pink that people are so happy with their beliefs that they want everybody to have that same joy, but I wish these people were more perceptive. Nice people just don’t run backwards across the parking lot to try and corral someone. There were times I felt as if I were running frantically from a lasso.

I love a church where I can sit anonymously and listen to a learned presentation from a literate person of either sex. I like to read a list of goings-on and pick the ones that appeal to me. I love to open a hymn book and sing the original words to lots of hymns. New hymns are often lovely, too, but having only to choose, I’d choose the old songs with the big words.

If there’s a King James Bible there, I know I’ve found a home.

Yes, I know I’m in the minority, especially with the King James Bible. My personal sermon on that will come later.

That’s my take on organized religions. Bring it on!

The Glorious Fourth

Posted on July 3, 2012 by Jane GoodwinJuly 12, 2012

Fourth of July fireworks, Mamacita's fireworks Mamacita says: We used to go all-out for over-the-counter fireworks; my son and his friends were crazy about them. They were too young to buy them, so I did that little service for them, smiling sincerely at the clerk while I signed the document that assured the federal government that I wasn’t going to USE the fireworks; I was just buying them so I could look at them. It was legal to buy them, but illegal to use them in any way that involved a lighted match. Go figure.

I’m not going to say that there were no accidents involving fireworks in my back yard, but I did used to have TWO cherry trees back there.

And I think everybody’s deck and sidewalk should have scorch marks on them; it tells people that once upon a time, kids lived here. When I moved out of my parents’ house, I actually wept a little inside at saying goodbye to many years’ worth of scorch marks.

I do not like the loud “bangs,” but I do love the spectacle in the sky. The drought here is so bad that our fireworks show really ought to be cancelled; it would be the wise thing to do, but apparently it’s still on tonight’s agenda.

We all also know that fools everywhere are going to disregard all the fire warnings; already I can hear the bangs and booms all over the neighborhood. These people be crazy. There will be sirens all over town. The fireworks tents and kiosks here are all displaying signs reading “Don’t worry about the fireworks ban; our products won’t cause fires.”

Because gunpowder and matches never cause fires, especially on grass so dry it pierces a bare foot like widely-spaced awls.

My ability to suffer fools decreases with each passing day; I often think that if our society didn’t try so hard to put up with fools, there might not be as many.

The Bible is harder on fools than on evil people, to which I say, YESS. Evil people can reform; fools stay stupid all their lives, and bring everyone and everything around them down, as well.

I do not believe that Americans take the Fourth of July seriously enough, any more. It used to be huge deal, with entire communities taking part: leaders read the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence aloud as the audience recited in their heads along with him – yes, everyone used to be required to memorize important documents! Memorizing things was considered good exercise for the brain. Now, we’ve got kids who don’t know their own middle names, and wouldn’t know the second line to a nursery rhyme if they were offered cash for it. Sad, sad, and very, very bad. (I seriously believe that children who don’t know a dozen nursery rhymes by heart before they ever set foot in kindergarten have been raised poorly, and that their parents are fools.) (Don’t get me started about stupid parents; you might not like what will happen.)

Independence Day is important. It should remind us of the many things we take for granted that citizens of other countries would give anything to have.

It should remind us of how our nation began, and what it stands for, and why we should never take any part of our freedoms for granted. It should make us remember to be grateful.

Independence Day is one of my favorite movies, and, corny as it may be, I love this speech by the President, portrayed by Bill Pullman.

In America, it’s legal to question. Smart people love and encourage questions. Any belief system that can’t hold up under questioning is not a viable belief system. Any person whose sensibilities are offended by questions about his/her beliefs, and who can’t abide other people’s beliefs, and who don’t wish to have anybody else’s beliefs demonstrated in any way, are themselves the very fools who deserve the punishments fools have ultimately gotten for a thousand years.

I don’t like fools. Nope, not a bit. They’re just so, so, so. . . . foolish.

Be smart on the Fourth. If you’re one of the many areas that is drought-ridden, don’t play with matches. If your kids are very young, or any age and irresponsible, don’t allow them to get anywhere near a match under any circumstances.

There are safe ways to blow things up and have fun on the Fourth; go for those. Oh, and DON’T break open a glow stick and add it to anything; those glowing bubble posts and pins are hoaxes. The stuff inside a glow stick can be dangerous.

And above all, think about where we live, and be grateful. Gratitude is one of the most beautiful of all emotions. Feel it and share it. Appreciate things. Express that appreciation. Glory in the wonder of living in a country that allows you to express it.

Well, unless you try to express it in a public school, that is. Or many workplaces. Or. . . . but I digress.

Have a safe and happy Independence Day. Or, if you don’t believe in that, have a safe and happy Fourth of July. You HAVE to believe in that one; it falls between the Third of July and the Fifth of July.

Bazinga.

Miss Wilder and the Bent Pin

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Jane GoodwinJuly 12, 2012

Miss Wilder and the bent pin, Laura Ingalls makes all the trouble Mamacita says: I’ve been a hugely obsessed fan of Laura Ingalls Wilder and all of her books since before I could read.

I first visited the Laura and Almanzo’s Mansfield, Missouri, home when I was in college, and at first was puzzled by the big electric fan on the porch – Laura, with an electric fan? This was my actual realization that she had lived through a multitude of discoveries and inventions, and of course would have electricity. Heck, they had a car. Etc. Laura had been a savvy, sociable, stylish, knowledgeable girl, and was the same as a woman.

My whole family loves Laura. As a family, we traveled to Mansfield, MO to visit her and Almanzo’s beautiful home there. My mother has been several times with her friends.

One of my favorite chapters in Little Town on the Prairie is “The School Board’s Visit.” Laura fans will remember that Almanzo’s older sister Eliza Jane was teaching school in DeSmet while Laura and Carrie were there, and that Miss Wilder was perhaps the world’s worst teacher. She treated all of the students, even the young ladies, as if they were babies; she condescended to them (worst possible thing to EVER do to a student of any age!) and said things like “. . . birds in their little nests agree!” in tones that made even good girl Laura squirm in her seat.

Miss Wilder’s classroom control was non-existent; she never punished anyone, so first the little boys, then the little girls, and then even the big girls, began to disregard rules, stopped studying, and the classroom became a nightmare. That’s what happens when you treat kids like babies, and never follow through with anything.

The school board finally came to Miss Wilder’s classroom, and one of my favorite conversations ensued:

Pa looked at Charley and his eyes were twinkling. He said, “Young man, I hear you got punished for sitting on a bent pin.”

“Oh, no, sir!” Charley replied, a picure of innocence. “I was not punished for sitting on it, sir, but for getting up off it.”

I still think this is hilarious.

And then Pa, as head of the school board, told the students to behave themselves. “We want a good school, and we are going to have it.” When Pa spoke like that, he meant what he said, and it would happen.

Wouldn’t it be loverly if our classrooms could be like that? Students behaving properly because it was the right and decent thing to do? And to have every student there understand that there would be serious consequences for misbehavior? In a perfect world.

P.S. When Laura’s daughter Rose was a pre-teen, she went to live with her Aunt Eliza Jane in Louisiana, as the schools in Mansfield weren’t advanced enough for her. (Rose was extremely gifted.) Eliza Jane had married later in life to a widower with grown children, and when her husband died, his children took everything, even Eliza Jane’s wedding ring. Rose finished school in Louisiana and became a telegraph operator and then a reporter and real estate agent, as was her husband, Gillette Lane; they lived in San Fransisco for a while, and in 1915, Laura took the train to California to visit them during the World’s Fair. Rose and Gillette were later divorced. They had no children, so Laura and Almanzo have no direct descendents. They had only one other child, a boy, who died when he was so young he hadn’t even been named yet.

And now I shall stop lest I keep going and give you a complete history of these beloved people.

P.P. S. I have to say one more thing about Rose: she was the oldest Vietnam war correspondent, and had a home in Albania with her friend Helen Boylston (Sue Barton!) My favorite of Rose’s books is Let the Hurricane Roar, but if you search for it, be sure you get the original; it’s been edited, edited books are never as good. Her characters were named Charles and Caroline, after her grandparents, but the editor changed them to Molly and David, and renamed the book Young Pioneers. Such a stupid move, as are all edited versions.

All the books in the series have been “updated and made more relevant,” which means they’ve been murdered and bespoiled, and tons of cool stuff has been left out, so don’t waste your time with the new versions; find the originals; they’re ALWAYS better. Censors and editors are Satan. Yes, THAT Satan.

Okay, I’m really stopping now.

One more thing: I do love it when a misbehaving child gets what he’s asking for. It seldom happens in real life these days, but in our beloved books, things are still done right.