Poetry Friday: Haunted Houses

Poetry Friday, Scheiss Weekly, Jane Goodwin

Mamacita says:    I first encountered this poem when I was in the third grade in my favorite teen girl detective series – Judy Bolton, of course! (Nancy Drew is but a pale substitute. . . .)   After the Bolton family moves into the neighborhood’s resident haunted house, Judy’s brother Horace recites this poem, frightening some of Judy’s more timid friends but NOT, of course, Judy herself. It’s a beautiful poem, because some hauntings, you know, are themselves beautiful: not scary at all.

I also love this poem because of its richness of vocabulary.  I love a piece of writing that makes me look up a word; it’s like a challenge.

Haunted Houses

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

All houses wherein men have lived and died
Are haunted houses. Through the open doors
The harmless phantoms on their errands glide,
With feet that make no sound upon the floors.

We meet them at the door-way, on the stair,
Along the passages they come and go,
Impalpable impressions on the air,
A sense of something moving to and fro.

There are more guests at table than the hosts
Invited; the illuminated hall
Is thronged with quiet, inoffensive ghosts,
As silent as the pictures on the wall.

The stranger at my fireside cannot see
The forms I see, nor hear the sounds I hear;Longfellow's Haunted House
He but perceives what is; while unto me
All that has been is visible and clear.

We have no title-deeds to house or lands;
Owners and occupants of earlier dates
From graves forgotten stretch their dusty hands,
And hold in mortmain still their old estates.

The spirit-world around this world of sense
Floats like an atmosphere, and everywhere
Wafts through these earthly mists and vapours dense
A vital breath of more ethereal air.

Our little lives are kept in equipoise
By opposite attractions and desires;
The struggle of the instinct that enjoys,
And the more noble instinct that aspires.

These perturbations, this perpetual jar
Of earthly wants and aspirations high,
Come from the influence of an unseen star
An undiscovered planet in our sky.

And as the moon from some dark gate of cloud
Throws o’er the sea a floating bridge of light,
Across whose trembling planks our fancies crowd
Into the realm of mystery and night,—

So from the world of spirits there descends
A bridge of light, connecting it with this,
O’er whose unsteady floor, that sways and bends,
Wander our thoughts above the dark abyss.

Quotation Saturday: Randominities

quotation saturday, mamacita's blog, jane goodwin Mamacita says:  Some people don’t like quotations. “They’re not original!” or some such, blahblahblah. I like a good quotation. They make me more original.   A good quotation is a thought made sharable.

I’ve been collecting quotations since I was in my teens; that’s as much as ten years.  (coughcough)  When we moved, I thought I’d lost my original classy file system which consisted of a paper ream box lid and ten thousand little lined file cards.  Last week, finally boxing up some random things in my former laundry room, I found the lid.

“I finally found the lid!”  Go nuts, Google.

Usually I try to have a theme, but not this time.  I’m just going to go in order, “order” in this case being somewhat amusing to consider in and of itself.  We’ll call it “A.”  Letter “A.”

1.  Where tillage begins, other arts follow.  The farmers, therefore, are the founders of human civilization.  — Daniel Webster

2.  There are some people whose idea of adventure is to sit home like great puddings with the sauce of television pouring over them.  — Gene Rheaume

3.  To obtain maximum attention, it’s hard to beat a good, big, mistake.  — Anon.

4.  Don’t be content with being average.  Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top.  — Anon.  (This has been my motto for many years!)

5.  Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age.  Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.  — Tom Wilson

6.  Most people are willing to pay more to be amused than to be educated.  — Robert Savage

7.  Be ashamed to die until you have achieved some victory for humanity.  — Horace Mann

8.  We need programs that will teach athletes how to SPELL “Jump shot” rather than how to shoot it.  — Larry Hawkins

9. An ass is but an ass, though laden with gold.  — Thomas Fuller

10. Art is the signature of civilization.  — Beverly Sills

11.  Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake.  The human individual lives usually far within his limits; he possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.  — William James

12.  Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk.  —  Joaquin Setanti

13.  Ancestry is most important to those who have done nothing themselves.  —  Louis L’Amour

14.  I love good creditable acquaintance; I love to be the worst of the company.  — Jonathan Swift

15.  Action is eloquence, and the eyes of the ignorant are more learned than the ears.  — Shakespeare

16.  A work of art is a corner of creation seen through a temperament.  — Emile Zola

17.  You don’t need to take a person’s advice to make him feel good – just ask for it.  — Laurence J. Peter

18.  An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile – hoping it will eat him last.  — Winston Churchill

19.  Activity is the politician’s substitute for achievement.  — Anon

20.  What art offers is space – a certain breathing room for the spirit.  — John Updike

21.  The great artists of the world are never Puritans, and seldom even ordinarily respectable.  — H. L. Hencken

22.  I am bound to furnish my antagonists with arguments, but not with comprehension.  — Disraeli

23.  Who serves his country well has no need of ancestors.  — Voltaire

24.  Art is not a thing; it is a way.  — Elbert Hubbard

25. He is a man of splendid abilities, but utterly corrupt.  He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight.  — John Randolph

26.  Art is our chief means of breaking bread with the dead.  — W.H. Auden

27.  The same wind snuffs candles yet kindles fires; so, where absence kills a little love, it fans a great one.  — La Rochefoucauld

28.  He had the general look of an elderly fallen angel traveling incognito.  — Peter Quennell

29.  If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don’t need advice.  — the OK Rotary Club Bulletin

30.  Admiration is our polite recognition of another man’s resemblance to ourselves.  —  Ambrose Bierce

31. There are those, I know, who will say that the liberation of humanity, the freedom of man and mind, is nothing but a dream.  They are right.  It is.  It is the American Dream.  — Archibald MacLeish

32.  Scratch an artist, and you surprise a child.  — James Huneker

33.  The most original modern authors are not so because they advance what is new, but simply because they know how to put what they have to say as if it had never been said before.  — Goethe

34.  An actor is a sculptor who carves in snow.  — Laurence Barrett

35.  I have one rule:  attention.  They give me theirs and I give them mine.  — Sister Evangelist RSM  ( My only rule for years!)

36.  Being about to pitch his camp in a likely place, and hearing there was no hay to be had for the cattle, “What a life,” said he,”is ours, since we must live according to the convenience of asses!”  — Plutarch

37.  I think it’s interesting how much we can accomplish before we find out we can’t do something.  — General Leslie Groves

38.  Authority does not make you a leader.  It gives you the opportunity to be one.  — Unknown

39. There is a natural aristocracy among men.  The grounds of this are virtue and talent.  — Jefferson

40.  Adventures are an indication of inefficiency.  Good explorers don’t have them.  — Herbert Spencer Dickey

41.  Advice:  the suggestions you give someone else which you believe will work to your benefit.  — Anon.

42.  Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.  — Stanislaus J. Lee

43.  Amnesty:  the state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.  — Ambrose Bierce

44.  Every genuine work of art has as much reason for being as the earth and the sun.  — Emerson

45.  Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.  — Alexander Pope

46.  Acting without thinking is like shooting without aiming.  — B.C. Forbes

47.  Become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.  — Lady Bird Johnson

48.  I have long been disposed to judge men by their average.  If it is reasonably high, I am charitable with faults that look pretty black.  — Ed Howe

49.  When two men in a business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.  — William Wrigley, Jr.

50.  No matter what accomplishments you achieve, somebody helps you.  — Althea Gibson

51.  It is easy to sit up and take notice.  What is difficult is getting up and taking action. — Al Batt

52.  By appreciation we make excellence in others our own property.  — Voltaire

53.  Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but want a different one.  — Ivern Ball

54.  “Automatic” simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.  — Anon.

55.  He that makes himself an ass, must not take it ill if men ride him.  — Thomas Fuller

56.  Old age is the most unexpected of all things that happen to a man.  — Leon Trotsky

57.  Advice is offensive because it shows us that we are known to others, as well as to ourselves.  — Samuel Johnson

58.  Art comes to you proposing frankly to give nothing but the highest quality to your moments as they pass.  — Walter Pater

59.  The axis of the earth sticks out visibly through the centre of each and every town or city.  — Oliver Wendell Holmes

60.  There is no absurdity so palpable but that it may be firmly planted in the human head if you only begin to inculcate it before the age of five, by constantly repeating it with an air of great solemnity.  — Shopenhauer

61.  It’s not how old you are, but how you are old.  — Marie Dressler

62.  Age does not protect you from love.  But love, to some extent, protects you from age.  — Anais Nin

63.  Old people like to give good advice, as solace for no longer being able to provide bad examples.  — La Rochefoucauld

64.  What wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill.  Our antagonist is our helper.  — Edmund Burke

65.  Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we can not resemble.  — Samuel Johnson

66.  There is something that is much more scarce, something rarer than ability.  It is the ability to recognize ability.  — Robert Half

67.  Anyone who says you can’t see a thought simply doesn’t know art.  — Wynetka Ann Reynolds

68.  Knowing you’ll have something good to read before bed is among the most pleasurable of sensations.  — Vladimir Nabokov

69.  Action without study is fatal.  Study without action is futile.  — Mary Beard

70.  One good thing about becoming ninety years old is that you’re not subject to much peer pressure.  — Anon.

71.  What I like in a good author is not what he says, but what he whispers.  — Logan Pearsall Smith

72.  The trouble with good advice is that it usually interferes with our plans. — E.W. Howe

73.  Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory. — Leonardo Da Vinci

74.  True affluence is not needing anything.  — Gary Snyder

75.  One thing most alumni won’t stand for is a college football team that plays like a bunch of amateurs.  — G. Norman Collie

Big Bird, political, letter A, Jane GoodwinYou might have noticed that all of these quotations have something to do with the letter “A.”  I’d insert a Sesame Street remark here, but I don’t want to get political.

76.  Never refer to me as an item. I’m a bird.  — Big Bird

My bad.

Mashed Velveeta and Pot Roast

Scheiss Weekly, small pan, half a pot roastMamacita says:  Remember that anecdote about the young bride whose husband asked her why she cut the beef roast in half before she put it in the pan?

She told him she did it that way, because her mother always did it that way.

So the young husband asked his mother-in-law why she had always cut the beef roast in half before she put it in the pan. Her reply? She did it that way because HER mother had always done it that way.

At the next family dinner, the husband asked his wife’s grandmother why she had always cut the beef roast in half before putting it in the pan. Her reply? Because her mother had always done it that way.

His wife’s great-grandmother was still alive, so he went to the nursing home and asked her why she had always cut the beef roast in half before putting it in the pan. Her reply?

“I only had the one small pan, and the only way a roast would fit in it was if it was first cut into two pieces.”

When my children visit, I often think of this story. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it might as well be, because so many of the things we do make no sense except in the context of the past.

First of all, both of my children love grilled cheese sandwiches. I mean, who doesn’t? Secondly, neither of my children will touch a grilled cheese sandwich Scheiss Weekly, Velveeta, toasted cheese, flat sandwichunless it was made with Velveeta.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I can grant these wishes because A. I won’t eat a grilled cheese sandwich unless it was made with Velveeta, either, and B. Velveeta is a name brand food I can actually AFFORD!

I mean, seriously, a grilled cheese sandwich NOT made with Velveeta?  What the heck?

When my son comes down for a visit,  he often requests grilled cheese sandwiches. Now, when he was a little boy, the only way he could eat a grilled cheese sandwich was if I mashed it down flat with the spatula after the Velveeta had melted. THEN his little mouth could close around it, and he could eat the sandwich “like a man.”

He is all grown up now, but he still wants his grilled cheese flattened with the spatula. Why?  Because that’s how his mother always made them.

If he ever decides to get married, I can’t wait to hear his wife’s reaction when he asks her to mash a perfectly good sandwich flat. Will she question it, or just do it?

Sometimes, family traditions have serious beginnings and funny middles. As for the endings, there aren’t any, not really.

(from November 2004.)

Banned Books Week: September 30 – October 6, 2012

I posted this a month or so ago in anticipation of Banned Books Week, and now that Banned Books Week is officially here, well, here’s that post again.  We can’t speak up against censorship enough.  As long as we put up with such horrendous nonsense, it will just get worse.  It is the personal responsibility of each citizen to educate themselves to the point that he/she is able to interpret bullshit from fertilizer.  There will always be people who prefer to allow others to dictate their beliefs, but I do not consider such people to be sentient.  Am I mean?  No, I’m honest.  Censorship is for the weak-minded who don’t have the brains to interpret correctly, or the balls to change their parasitic ways, and for people who are afraid.  Afraid of new ideas, afraid of questions, and afraid of the universe in general.  This is a sick, sad, pathetic way to live, and even sicker, sadder, and more pathetic to insist that our children live this way.  If your belief system can’t stand up to questions and thinking, you need to step back and re-evaluate your belief system, because there is something majorly wrong with it.

Mamacita says: Banned Books Week is this week:  Sept. 30 – Oct. 6, 2012. It always saddens me to be reminded that there are such huge hordes of ignorant masses in the United States, and yet, sigh, there they are, forbidding this and banning that lest their children learn something their parents hadn’t already run through the personal values laundromat since, heaven forbid, the kids might come home asking questions and – we can’t have it, we just can’t HAVE IT – thinking. Maybe even. . . ASKING QUESTIONS! (shudder)

First of all, I despise censorship. Banning books is akin to banning people; both are abhorrent to the collective intelligence, and both bring us down as a culture. It’s one thing for someone to decide that a certain book will not be allowed in his/her house – every parent has that right – but it’s quite another thing for this person to decide that a certain book will not be allowed in my house, or yours. Or in a library, or school; for one person, or a handful, to be allowed to dictate what the masses might be exposed to is ridiculous, cowardly, stupid, and evil. Someone is offended? There are choices. Such people can remove themselves and their children from the nasty thought-provoking sources. They could also grow a pair and encourage thinking and questions, but that’s too hard and scary for such people, I suppose. God forbid their children might come home from school with. . . . ideas. Brrrrrr, can’t have it. Besides, people who advocate censorship and book burning banning don’t usually know the answers; their thoughts are scripted by others. It’s a lot easier to live that way; thinking for oneself can be so hard, you know.

Many book censors are too insecure in their own backgrounds and beliefs to risk questions from others, and a huge lot of them are just plain too ignorant to deal with anything that isn’t very, very simple. Learning is hard. Stick with what we already know. Go that extra mile to make bloody sure our kids aren’t exposed to anything that might threaten what these adults consider “safe.” Again, every parent has this right – in his/her own home. Outside of that home, guess what? Other people have rights, too. Imagine.

This post is a rerun, but before Banned Books Week actually begins, I want to share with you again this memo from a college-educated man who was in charge of a building full of impressionable middle school students.

I firmly believe that any memo, letter, or piece of written information that is sent by an administrator, should contain no idiocy or errors.

I also believe that any memo, letter, or piece of written information that is sent by an administrator that DOES contain idiocy or errors should be posted publicly and that the general public should be allowed to mock it.

I suppose that my belief that administrators should be required to be intelligent and able to proofread would be thrown out by the PC police.

This is the letter a principal gave me several years ago, demanding requesting that I take down my bulletin board about Banned Books Week. I had used that same bulletin board for over ten years, and in those earlier years, he had actually praised it for being timely and creative. That was, of course, before he saw Waldo on there.

This is the same school system that had a virtual meltdown because I was bringing in speakers; the curriculum director didn’t want me to bring in people from the outside to talk about careers because, and I quote, “it might give the students ‘ideas.'” These people volunteered their time, and would have continued to volunteer their time, and it would have been of enormous benefit to the students, but no. Ideas are scary, and, to the ignorant, dangerous.

A few years later, the same man who denied permission for me to bring in speakers for free, spent nearly a million dollars of taxpayer money to take all the middle school students to town and have paid speakers talk to them about the same thing I could have done for free. By this time, you see, the Trend Wheel had spun back around, and it was now permissible to give the students ‘ideas.’

One of those speakers represented General Motors, and her speech was dangerous books, Jane Goodwin, banned booksexcellent, although it didn’t sit well with administration. She spoke about high school ‘graduates’ for whom a diploma was nothing but a piece of paper that connoted untruths. She spoke about how an employer should have the right to assume that a diploma pretty much guaranteed literacy and general competence. She spoke about all the money big corporations were having to shell into remedial programs for employees who had diplomas, pieces of paper that represented four years of showing up and not much else. She spoke about how businesses would really appreciate a diploma that told the truth: that if a student had been graduated out of respect for really trying, the diploma should say so, discretely of course, but in terms that the business world would be able to interpret. If the student was just going through the motions of graduation for self-esteem’s sake, the diploma should say so. And if the diploma was rightfully earned because the student had become fully literate and generally competent and had genuinely and individually and truthfully learned how to care for himself/herself in the world in general, the business world should be able to see that kind of diploma and interpret it for what it was: a real diploma.

Oohh, the remarks that were scattered throughout the auditorium. And when we returned to the individual buildings, there was much talk of blueberries and self-esteem.

My friends are mostly lawyers, musicians, writers, speakers, businesspeople, and other educators. Before the edict went out, I often had one of them come to my classroom and talk about what they did all day, and then the students would ask questions. Silly me, I really thought it was helpful.

Sure, they asked my lawyer friends about their individual rights and stuff, but. . . . .

Oh. I get it.

We certainly can’t have our students understanding their basic civil rights and those of their fellow citizens of any age, now can we.

What a narrow escape.

P.S. A few years later, I dared to submit a speaker proposal for my classroom again, and it was again turned down, but this time the reason was different. I read banned books, MamacitaApparently, it was unfair to other students if one group got to have a speaker and others didn’t. I suggested that other teachers could just as easily invite a speaker into their classroom, too, but nobody else cared to go to the trouble, so I couldn’t, either.

Are our schools in trouble? Darn right they are, and most of it isn’t coming from the students.

Censorship and book banning, indeed. If our society gets any more politically correct, it will be so boring and insipid and cowardly, it will be indistinguishable boy's book, Harry Potter, Rowling, Scheiss Weekly, bannedfrom an ant colony.

Except, of course, that ants are not cowardly.

Book banners are, though.

Censors. The lowest common denominator of humanity. Can there be anything lower than those who strive to keep the rest of us in the dark? Those who fear creativity, ideas, questions, and knowledge are somewhat less than human, by my way of thinking. The human being was created to soar, not bury its head in the sand of fear.

Do I read banned books? I do. And so should you.

*Heine

How am I doing in here? What’s my grade?

what's my grade, how am I doing in here, Jane GoodwinMamacita says:  There will always be students who have no idea of their standing in a class; honestly, when a student says to me, “How am I doing in this class? What’s my average?” I want to scream. Even if he is computer-illiterate (and if so, he won’t make it at the college level, sowwy) all he has to do is check his folder. All graded work is supposed to be kept in there, and if he’s that anxious to know his standing, he can add up his scores and average them on paper. Sheesh. Of course, if there are no graded papers in his/her folder, I’m going to guess that he/she isn’t doing all that well. In my class, you have to show up and do the work and TURN IT IN if you want to pass.  I’m unreasonable like that.

But, but, it’s so easy these days to know one’s exact class standing!

The students who are going to succeed just go online, type in their login and password, and check their grades themselves.

Besides, any good student at almost any level knows how he’s doing in any class at any given point in time. If they show up and take their quizzes and tests and turn in their homework and participate and laugh at my jokes they’re probably doing quite well. If they don’t do these things, probably not. It ain’t rocket science, except that, on some days, it is.

Dear Parents, please don’t call your child’s teacher daily and ask for an average, at least, not very often. Chances are pretty good that if you can’t find any graded papers in your kid’s backpack or notebook, he’s not doing very well. Please don’t expect that your kid will be allowed to make up all that missing or poor work.  Organization and work ethic are every bit as important as an actual score.  In fact, without the former, the latter will be pretty bad.

Your child’s teacher has an entire classroom of students, and if each parent asked the teacher to send home a daily report, the poor teacher might as well put up a cot and start paying rent because there isn’t going to be much of a home life. And yes, parents ask us to do that all the time. At the secondary level, one teacher might have over 200 students.  Even with email, it takes a long time.

At midterm, most schools send out half-way-point standings. Check your child’s grades. If he’s doing poorly, call the school and make an appointment with the teacher. NEVER just walk in off the street and ask the teacher to give up her lunch or prep or those valuable few minutes before class starts in the morning or those hectic few minutes after the last class leaves in the late afternoon without prior notice. (Would you walk into your dentist’s office, or your doctor, or your lawyer, or your accountant’s offices without an appointment? Or at least, an emergency involving blood and bone fragments?)

Please don’t march in like a Teutonic Reichmaiden and assume that the teacher is a psychotic who hates all children and yours in particular, and that your child is innocent, totally innocent, and his straight-A work has been shredded by the teacher so the world will never see it. I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s probably more your child’s fault than anyone else’s.

Every single night, require your child to SHOW YOU the contents of his backpack. If the papers are wadded up, give your child some incentive to not ever do that again. Require your child to file papers immediately in a pocket folder because you’re going to be looking them over every night. If this interferes with television for either of you, cry me a river.

Do not even turn on that television until this has been done. If there is homework, make sure your child has it finished before the tv is touched. Ditto computer, telephone, and any other electronic gadgetry your child has been playing with instead of doing his academics. Don’t, however, deny your children who ARE doing it right just because one of them isn’t. Sometimes, the sound of a sibling enjoying tv or a computer game or a friend can light a fire under a slacker kid. If it makes him vicious, you’ve got problems that aren’t school-related. Call a shrink.

If your kid is an athlete and brings home a bad mid-term report, ask the coach to bench him. Usually, schools do that anyway; sports are games, and games are only for kids who have done the actual SCHOOL part of their kid-duties. A good coach will do that anyway.

Is your kid one of those students for whom sports are all he has going for him? Is playing ball his life’s priority? Help him change those priorities, because his are all wrong. Don’t EVER argue with a coach for benching your kid for low grades. Even the kid knows he deserves it.

I really don’t have to deal with these issues much any more, because at the college level, I don’t have many parents demanding that I change Junior’s grade, etc. I do have a few, though. It’s incredible and really quite sad that so many parents seem to be living their own lives over again vicariously, through their children.  If you are the parent of a college student, you should probably also know that I am forbidden by law to discuss your child’s grades with you.  In fact, I’m not even allowed to admit that I’ve ever heard of your child.  All I can do is say, politely and professionally, “Thank you for calling.”

I’m not a mean teacher, in spite of what you might think.  I am, however, a teacher (and a parent) who required all of my students to work, to obey, and to behave. I still can’t think of a single viable excuse for slacking off on any of those three things. Once those three things were mastered, the creativity could flow and we could use our wings. Once students learned that I would not put up with anyone who did not understand the big three, we could have fun. It did not take most of them very long to learn that it was better for all to behave in ol’ Mrs. G’s classroom, because for those who did, the rewards were many and awesome, and for those who didn’t, well, o—KAY then. . . I poisoned them and buried them on the playground, under the wood chips. Nobody missed them.

That might be an exaggeration, but will you hate me if I tell you that I thought about it on occasion? Oh, so do you. Don’t lie to me.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Some people think I’m strict when in fact I’m a pussycat for students who behave well and take education seriously.  The other kind of students don’t appreciate what they’ve got while they’ve got it.

And I say things like, “Shame on you!”

Because, you see, I really do believe that people are encouraged from a very early age to believe that they have a perfect right to please themselves in all ways, whenever and wherever they are, and that their parents are the main ones who encourage it.

Perhaps if we help our children learn that some actions and words ARE shameful, our children will treat each other better, and everyone’s self-esteem (you really don’t want to get me started on that topic) will rise naturally, instead of being inflated with bullshit so it rises regardless of what the child says and does.

Also, I use a red pen.  I like to think of the ink in there as BLOOOOOOD.  red grading pen, Jane Goodwin

I want my students’ self esteem to soar, but I want it to be genuine, which means they’ll have to work for it.  That way, they’ve got a right to be proud.

Also, I like to eat Twinkies when I grade papers.

How Anne Frank Helped Me Score Free Classroom Novels

Mamacita says:  Every year, for over twenty years, I taught a unit based on The Diary of Anne Frank.  This title refers to the stage play; Anne’s actual diary is titled Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl.  Please don’t confuse the two; it makes me sad.

Our script was part of our literature textbook, and was the main reason I chose Prentice-Hall every four years; I loved the unedited, uncensored selections they chose.

Then, one year, the Political Correctness Police apparently took charge at Prentice-Hall.  I unpacked my boxes of brand-new shiny wonderful-smelling books full, I assumed, of the usual wonders that would help my students learn to make connections, groove on the universe, and soar.  That year, however, I made quite a different discovery.

Everything in the new edition had been polished and censored, and most of the really good stuff was either gone or sanitized into boring obscurity.  The Diary of Anne Frank was one of the censored selections.

All references to underpants and neutered cats had disappeared.  The spats between Anne and her mother were gone.  Mr. Van Daan was still allowed to refer to his son’s “damn cat,” but any reference to the cat’s missing testicles was gone. The famous passage about the glories of menstruation was gone.  Her descriptive longing to be a woman, and her confusion about boys, had been censored.  A good deal of the references to the horrors going on “outside” had been removed.  What was left was a cute play about emotionless people living in an attic.

I was so upset, I placed a call to Prentice-Hall and made my displeasure known.

The woman who took my call assured me that Prentice-Hall had asked and received permission from the authors of all the selections that had been dismembered.  Now, the play The Diary of Anne Frank was written by Goodrich and Hackett, and is BASED on Anne’s diary, but this woman was condescending to me so I stopped caring about her feelings.

“So, are you telling me that you had permission from Anne Frank to change the words of this play?”  I asked.

“Oh, yes, our editors had a lovely phone conversation with her, and later received a letter with her full permission.”  she told me.  I kid you not.

I hoped my straight face showed over the phone.  “Are you sure?”  I asked her.  “Anne Frank herself spoke to your editors and gave permission for these changes?”

“Yes indeed, ma’am.  We would never change an author’s words without permission from that author, directly.  I assure you that Anne Frank gave us her permission.”  I am still not kidding.

“You are aware that Anne Frank died in 1944.”  I was still being nice.

Silence.

“We here at Prentice-Hall would like to send you some class sets of books.  What would you like?”

And so I added 5 class sets of lovely, UNABRIDGED novels to my classroom.  We didn’t use the new textbook that year because abridgements are the devil, and yes, I mean THAT devil.

For the record, Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book is perfect for 6th grade boys who are reluctant readers.  Also?  The chapter about Kaa is seriously scary.

Aaaand, I found enough copies of an old book with The Diary of Anne Frank in it to go around.  We just used that.

All those boxes of brand-new shiny books are, as far as I know, still stacked in the back of that classroom.  They were useless.  When I was there, I threw a cloth over them and used them as a table.

In that way, they became useful again.