Scheiss Weekly

Anticipation

Posted on December 5, 2014 by Jane GoodwinDecember 5, 2014

ketchup, anticipation, Carly Simon, Christmas, Jane Goodwin, Scheiss Weekly Remember that old Carly Simon Song, Anticipation? Remember how Heinz used the song in its ketchup commercials?

Anticipation. . . is keeping me waiting.

This time of year, though, the anticipation is what makes me happiest. This time of year, anticipation is golden. Looking forward to some things is stressful – dental appointments and tests are anticipated but not beloved. But this time of year is golden. The holidays are in full force and we are living in a world of stars and jewels and angels and happy children and elves in pointy shoes and bells and beauty and anwishes. This is my favorite time of year. Can you tell?

Looking forward to Christmas is, for me, even better than Christmas. I love it all. I love the planning and the list-making and the decorating and the twinkling and the sparkling and the wrapping and the looking at store windows and the pushing of toy display buttons that make the toys move and the cards from beloved family/friends and the Christmas trees on our dinner plates and the holiday bowl full of green apples on the kitchen bar and the Christmas dish towels hanging on the stove handle and the wreaths on doors and the driving through the neighborhood gawking at other people’s decorations. . . . I love it all. That it only lasts a little while just makes it more special. Knowing that it will come back again in a year helps keep my heart from breaking.

Anticipation. It helps build us up so we can appreciate the actuality of it all.

Carly was spot-on right. These ARE the good old days.

And now I am craving french fries. With lots of ketchup. But one must apply the ketchup in the right way or else the entire experience is ruined.

Absolutely not.

Yes! It’s the only way!

In Honor of the Armistice

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Jane GoodwinMay 25, 2015

Mamacita says: This day used to be known as Armistice Day, in honor of the armistice that was signed on the “eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month”. This year, 2014, marks the 97th anniversary of Armistice Day.

(This term also refers to the fact that back in ancient times, a worker who was hired at the eleventh hour of a twelve-hour workday was paid the same as those who had worked all twelve hours.)

After World War II, Armistice Day was changed to Veterans’ Day. Many people do not realize that this is an international holiday, observed by many other nations as well as by the United States.

Perhaps you have wondered why veterans often wear a poppy in their lapel on this day? Let me introduce you to Flanders Fields:

Flanders Fields, Veterans Day, Scheiss Weekly

Schools do not teach students much about World War I, and I have never really understood why. Most social studies classes, unless it’s a specialized elective, study the Civil War (Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn) and then make a giant leap over everything else so they can briefly mention World War II (Hitler was bad) and then leap again and remind students that JFK was assassinated (“I am the man who accompanied Jacqueline Kennedy to Paris”) (“I am a jelly doughnut!”) all just in time for summer vacation. I learned most of what I know about World War I from reading L.M. Montgomery’s Rilla of Ingleside, and yes, it’s another Anne book; this one is mostly about Anne and Gilbert’s daughter Rilla. I cry every time I read it, even though I know what’s going to happen. You’ll cry, too.

i wonder how many of YOU realized that Anne of Green Gables is the first of a series? Run, don’t walk, to the library THIS MINUTE. Or click and go to Amazon. You need these books in your home.

Ahem.

Monday, November 11, 2013. On this day, let us honor the men and women ArmisticeDay who keep us safe, both past and present.

There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America. — Bill Clinton

The issues of the world must be met and met squarely. The forces of evil do not disdain preparation, they are always prepared and always preparing… The welfare of America, the cause of civilization will forever require the contribution, of some part of the life, of all our citizens, to the natural, the necessary, and the inevitable demand for the defense of the right and the truth. — Calvin Coolidge

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. — Elmer Davis

When our perils are past, shall our gratitude sleep? –George Canning

Armistice Day, veterans, poppy, remembrance

How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes! —Maya Angelou

And I’ll end this post with this one, by FDR: “When you see a rattlesnake poised to strike, you do not wait until he has struck before you crush him.”

God bless America.

Yard Sale

Posted on October 25, 2014 by Jane GoodwinOctober 25, 2014

It’s over. Whew.

Mamacita says: I had a yard sale today, and I have come to the following conclusions:

1. People who bring $20 bills to yard sales are jerks.

2. Many things I considered valuable mean nothing to other people.

3. Many things I considered valueless mean a lot to other people.

4. One person’s junk really is another person’s treasure.

5. I need to rephrase #4.

6. It was actually kind of hard to watch a stranger walk away with a toy Rock "Em Sock "Em Robots my children had loved.

7. People need to teach their children how to behave at a yard sale, which is, of course, how to behave at someone else’s home. Then again, I have witnessed small children behaving just like this in stores, eg, running wild and considering unpaid-for items to be their own. Bad parenting.

8. Yard sales are more work than they’re worth, although I know some people’s trash actually IS treasure which is certainly more than could be said for most of mine.

9. I will always be shocked at the number of people who do not read for fun. It’s incomprehensible to me. “You shore do got a lot o’books thar. Got inny flickers?” To which I replied, “A few.” To which she replied, “I ain’t never HEARD of inny o’them thar flickers!” To which I thought to myself, “I dare say.” Sorry. No Honey Boo Boo or Big Momma’s House here.

10. Having a yard sale was fun, now that it’s over. It was hard work but I’m glad to get rid of all that stuff. I’m glad other people who needed what I no longer needed were able to buy it for a quarter.

Having a yard sale confirmed my belief that most people are good, courteous, and intelligent. I wish the universe had more time to give to them instead of having to give so much time to people who are not.

A quarter is a good price for something good and usable that one person no longer needs but which another person sorely needs. Or wants. My best wishes and good memories go with what you took from my home, dear people.

Except for you three who brought $20 bills to a yard sale and spent fifty cents. I hope the bird of paradise flies up all three of your noses.

Literature Quiz: Children & YA

Posted on October 18, 2014 by Jane GoodwinOctober 18, 2014

Children's, YA literature, Madeleine L'Engle Mamacita says: How well do you know children’s and young adult literature? Can you give me the author and title from whence the following quotations are taken? Some of them are quite obvious if you’re any kind of reader, while others might require the assistance of an actual child or young adult. Some are fiction; some are non-fiction. Some are quite old; some are quite recent. Some are from novels; some are from other genres. It’s an eclectic mix. Google is your second resort. Memory is your first.

1. Enjoy is not the word I’d use. I got by. I kept my head down and they left me alone, more or less. I suppose that’s always been my trouble. I’ve kept my head down when, occasionally, I should have put it up.

2 He wasn’t exaggerating; they’d been big on old-fashioned morals during World War I.

3. Because honestly, is it trashy to want something so bad you go for it even if it might kill you? My opinion? It’s judging that’s trashy.

4. To die will be an awfully big adventure.

5. Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.

6. And people laugh at me because I use big words. But if you have big ideas you have to use big words to express them, haven’t you?

7. Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.

8. In the jungle, life and food depend on keeping your temper.

9. No matter how dreary and gray our homes are, we people of flesh and blood would rather live there than in any other country, be it ever so beautiful.

10. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.

11. There is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast it is all a sham. . . .

12. Violence does, in truth, recoil upon the violent, and the schemer falls into the pit which he digs for another.

13. Prejudices, it is well known, are most difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilised by education; they grow there, firm as weeds among stones.

14. I never wanted to go away, and the hard part now is the leaving you all. I’m not afraid, but it seems as if I should be homesick for you even in heaven.

15. Instead of always harping on a man’s faults, tell him of his virtues. Try to pull him out of his rut of bad habits. Hold up to him his better self, his REAL self that can dare and do and win out!

16. It was a woman, red and white, hating and loving, that called him with the voice of his hopes.

17. One of the things people began to find out in the last century was that thoughts – just mere thoughts – are as powerful as electric batteries – as good for one as sunlight is, or as bad for one as poison.

18. If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.

19. If enough people think of a thing and work hard enough at it, I guess it’s pretty nearly bound to happen, wind and weather permitting.

20. He needed to save his energy for the people who counted.

21. Laugh and fear not, creatures. Now that you are no longer dumb and witless, you need not always be grave. For jokes as well as justice come in with speech.

22. Don’t you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It’s made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!

23. She was a girl who could not wait. Life was so interesting she had to find out what happened next.

24. People can tell you to keep your mouth shut, but that doesn’t stop you from having your own opinion.

25. Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing.

26. Well, he certainly is very agreeable, and I give you leave to like him. You have liked many a stupider person.

27. Once you begin being naughty, it is easier to go on and on, and sooner or later something dreadful happens.

28. We’re all human, aren’t we? Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving.

29. It’s a good thing most people bleed on the inside or this would be a gory, blood-smeared earth.

30. Memory is the happiness of being alone.

Answer in the comments, please.

Watching Duck Dynasty:More Things I Haven’t Done Yet. . . .

Posted on October 12, 2014 by Jane GoodwinOctober 12, 2014

Mamacita says: Watching Duck Dynasty might be number one, but there are still a lot of things I haven’t done. I didn’t realize how many things I’ve never done compared to the number of things I HAVE done. Then again, that’s a ridiculous comparison. Nobody does more things than they don’t do.

1. I have never watched Duck Dynasty. I find those people repulsive in almost every possible way. Rich society golf-playing men pretending to be rednecks to lure in a redneck viewership stupid enough to fall for their idiocy. It’s an act, like any show, but it represents a lifestyle I find repellent. I know most people watch it to laugh at it, but it’s too awful to laugh at because I know there are actual people who think this is a viable lifestyle.

2. I have never learned to be patient with people who are in line and are absolutely unprepared. People at the post office who bring bags of things and pack them at the counter, constantly asking for tape and markers, or who buy stamps at the counter and stand there putting them on each envelope. People at the grocery store who wait until everything is bagged before even opening a purse or wallet. I think the reason I have no patience with these people is that they deserve no patience.

3. I will never have either patience or liking for people who go through a fast food drive-through during meal-time rush hour with images (2) special orders. I can feel the venom course through my veins. Drive-through lines are for fast, simple orders – otherwise, it’s SLOW food, which nice people go inside to order. If going inside is too difficult for you, wait until rush hour is over and THEN go through the drive-through. If you can’t wait that long, go home and fix something.

skunk 4. I have never learned to like sauerkraut. It’s too much like a big wad of dormitory shower drain hair.

5. I always assume that people who lay the cologne on so thickly they’re giving off fumes are trying to mask other odors too personal and horrific to mention. I haven’t yet learned how to NOT look repulsed, and it’s more because of my imagination than how they actually smell.

6. I have never learned to like peas, and I like them even less with potatoes mixed into them. Even as a child, I picked the peas out of my soup.

7. Casseroles are not my thing, unless I know for sure they don’t contain kraut, onions, or peas.

8. I have never been a breakfast person, even as a child. I like breakfast food sometimes, but only really late at night. The very thought of eating anything early in the morning is horrible. shouting woman

9. I have never and will never be able to endure people who yell a lot. Yelling scares me. Yelling people scare me. Yelling people terrify me, in fact. When I’m with people who yell, I sit in suspense, waiting for it. It’s like sitting with a lit fuse, and you’re not sure exactly when it’s going to explode; you only know that it’s going to and that it’s going to be awful.

ignorant redneck guy 10. I will never learn to understand people for whom constant, never-ending learning is not a vital part of their lives. Then again, that’s who Duck Dynasty was made for.

Sometimes I suspect that I’ve got a good-sized mean streak. Other times I’m sure of it.

What’s that? You’ve got one, too? Come sit right here by me.

No Shit, Sherlock: The Case of the Cultural Literacy Conundrum

Posted on September 21, 2014 by Jane GoodwinSeptember 21, 2014

Mamacita says: Sometimes, teachers assume that their students have a background in cultural literacy when in fact they do not. And sometimes, helping a student make and understand a connection between one thing and another, makes it all worthwhile. Sometimes, teachers do not agree on what is worthwhile and what is not.

A few years ago, my sixth graders were getting ready to read a Sherlock Holmes short story: The Adventure of the Speckled Band, to be specific, which is my favorite Sherlock Holmes story.

About ten seconds into my enthusiastic introduction to the story, I realized that my students had never in all their lives even HEARD of Sherlock Holmes. They will never be able to make that claim again, however. I assure you.

Every night, the snake climbed down the rope and crawled around on Julia’s bed.

Dr. Roylott’s scheme to have the snake kill his stepdaughter backfired. . . .

We read the story and most of the students agreed that it was pretty cool. Snakes. Poisonous snakes. Big ones. Gypsies camping in the yard. A cheetah and a baboon wandering free. A huge powerful man given to fits of violence. A bed, nailed to the floor. Bending the iron rod. Holmes, bending it back. We discussed the physics of the iron rod; all the students, young as they were, knew that bending the rod in the first place required strength, and that bending it BACK required even more. Holmes’ powers of observation fascinated the kids. Weird noises in the night. Strange coincidences that even an 11-year-old thought off-kilter. A bell-pull that pulled no bell. Shared inheritances. Screams in the night. What’s not to love? Before they left my room, I recommended other Holmes stories, and the bell rang, and they left my room. I sat there hoping the unit had gone as well for THEM as it did for me.

I knew it had been a good unit when I overheard a group of boys talking about it in the hallway.

“Now I know what it really means when somebody says ‘No shit, Sherlock!'”

No, I did not stop short, drag the student to the office and demand that he be punished for saying ‘shit.’ The P.E. teacher who also overheard the boys wanted to, but I asserted myself, which didn’t often happen because I am pretty much of a wuss in spite of my big talkin’ ways, and anyway, I do not believe in jumping on kids when their conversation was not directed towards me. Eavesdroppers often hear negative things, and if they would mind their own business, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. (I am not referring to inappropriate remarks specifically aimed at a non-invited listener with the intent of upsetting, insulting, or otherwise involving said uninvited listener, mind you; I am talking about private conversations that happen to be overheard and sometimes taken personally when no personal involvement is intended.)

Holmes driving the snake back up the rope and into the next room….

I figured that we were eavesdropping on those boys, and that whatever they said to each other in their supposed privacy (unless it was about bombs or threats or clues about who TP’d the restroom or whispers of abuse, etc.) was their business, not ours. Kids deserve some respect.

The other teacher walked off in a huff, carefully, so the corncob wouldn’t fall out. I smiled at the boys and said, “That’s right, guys.”

Knowledge is power. Education is all about connections. And that, as far as I was concerned, was a legitimate connection.

Too many people take too many things far too seriously these days. It takes our attention away from REALLY serious things, and THAT, my dear readers, is why so many important things are circling the drain while others, not nearly as important or serious, are getting so much attention.

Taking offense at someone else’s private conversation? Please.

Let’s all try to use our brains a little more, and our sense of context a little more, and our “I’m offended” a little less. There are too many genuinely important issues out there; we must not allow ourselves to be influenced by, let alone offended by, an overheard conversation not even intended for the eavesdropper’s ear.

I do not want to live to see the Kardashians win.

Were these eleven-year-old boys having an inappropriate conversation? I don’t think they were. I think they were having quite the intellectual discussion, truth be told.

Was the PE teacher overreacting in her zeal to have the boys rounded up, branded, and sent out to the North Forty to do penance?

No shit, Sherlock.