I haven’t done it yet, but I’ll get around to it. Right now, I’m just whiny.

Mamacita says:  Here we go – a huge childish whine about more things I haven’t done yet.  Some, I will eventually get around to, but others?  When pigs fly.  I am in a lot of pain tonight and more bills came in the mail today, so I am feeling pretty down.  I do my fair share of whining, but mostly about silly or trivial things, like parking meters or drive-through lines or Trump.  This is not a typical list for me.  I apologize in advance.

1.  I haven’t recovered from the wreck yet.  I still refer to the woman who disregarded her traffic light as the person who tried to murder me and my friend.  I am ashamed of these thoughts but as of this moment I have not been able to forgive her.  Sometimes I think I can and sometimes I think I have and then more bills come and even more bills come and something else hurts and I think about all the things I still can’t do and I get flashbacks to the wreck and I have nightmares about the crash and I know the recovery is far more than physical and I haven’t recovered yet.

2.  I haven’t slept through the night since December 2.  I don’t worry about this one because I learned to do it many years ago and they say it’s like riding a bicycle: you never forget how.

I did it then; I’ll eventually do it again.

3.  I haven’t seen Beauty and the Beast or Fantastic Beasts yet but they’re sharing the Number One spot on my Movie Bucket List.  The Beast List.

4.  My attitude has not been something I’ve been proud of these past three months.  I’m trying, really I am, but I am still broken, and I’m angry about it.

This is how my luck has been, lately. You’d be whiny, too.

5.  I still haven’t replaced the washer and dryer.  It’s hard to buy a big appliance without a paycheck.  I won’t be replacing the TV in my home office any time soon, either.  Same reason. Everything seems to break down at once.  Sympathy pains, maybe.

6.  I still haven’t thanked all of you wonderful people for your loving support.  You mean the world to me.  I don’t deserve you right now, but I’m hoping to get better. This person is not me.  This person is not who I ever wanted to be.  I want myself back.  It will happen.

7.  I haven’t been “me” for months.  What I’ve been isn’t anyone I’m proud of.  Please be patient with me.

8.  I miss my students and colleagues at the college.  I will never NOT miss them.  I hope to go back this summer, and get back in the swing of teaching and being taught.  It’s not just the students who learn in a classroom, you know.  Interacting with and listening to students over these past years has taught me more than any undergrad or graduate class ever did.  There’s no way they could have.  To learn how to do this right, one has to jump in with both feet and listen. On a related note,  I have never NOT shown my students how to blow things up for the past eight years.  I will be enthusiastic to the max when I’m back in the classroom. Put your hands over your ears.  Fair warning.  I love my job.

9.  I have never liked chili.  Mom used to fix it for us and I didn’t like it then and I like it even less now.  Most people like chili.  I wish I did; it’s fun to make and it smells wonderful, but I just don’t like it.

10.  My dad’s favorite meal was beans and cornbread.  I hated it.  Still hate it.  When I came home from school and the house smelled like beans and cornbread, my heart would actually sink.  Mom made this meal for him at least twice a week; he loved it that much.  Sometimes brown beans, sometimes white beans, always horrible.  A few times in my life I have seen people ordering beans and cornbread in a restaurant.  What a waste of an outing.