Mamacita says: Elevator etiquette ain’t rocket science, you know. No kind of etiquette is rocket science. Etiquette is simple. Simple basic good manners. That’s all. And simple as that may be, it’s too much for an awful lot of people to handle.
Let’s start with the elevator. I have never lost my adoration for elevators and escalators; they are almost in the same category as Ferris wheels and tilt-a-whirls, and the fact that there’s an elevator on the main campus kind of sort of okay actually thrills me every time I push the button and step back.
I said, every time I push the button and step back. That’s the proper way to access an elevator, you see. You people who punch the already-glowing button and then rush the door the second it opens are the dummies I’m going to talk about here.
Basic Elevator Etiquette for Dummies:
1. Push the appropriate button. If button is already glowing, do not push it.
2. Stand back. LEAVE ROOM FOR PEOPLE TO EMERGE FROM THE ELEVATOR.
3. When the door opens, WAIT UNTIL EVERYBODY IS OUT BEFORE YOU GO IN.
4. The people coming out of the elevator have the right-of-way over the people going into the elevator.
5. WHEN THE ELEVATOR IS COMPLETELY EMPTY, calmly walk towards the open door. Do not push. Do not shove. The elevator is not going anywhere. It’s not like a subway, or a train, or an airport shuttle. Step inside the elevator and position yourself as far away from the other passengers as possible. If the elevator is crowded, do not take up more than your fair share of space with a wheeled briefcase or anything else you might be carrying. This includes your children; don’t let them spread out. Teach them to stand close to you..
6. Anyone who has a lighted cigarette in an elevator is fair game for murder. Nobody will tell on you. Everybody will help. You might even get a medal. If not, you should. This includes e-cigs.
7. Once inside the elevator, do not reach across people to push a button. If your button is not already glowing, ask someone near the buttons to push it for you. Be sure to say please, and thank them nicely when they do it.
8. Do not violate any of these rules.
9. ESPECIALLY do not violate # 2 and #3.
10 If you violate # 2 and/or #3, you are an idiot. “Dummies” books are beyond your intellect. You suck. You’re probably ugly. Your mother dresses you funny. You smell bad. Nobody likes you. Your spouse is changing the locks as we speak. Your children tell their friends that you are the boarder, and that their father lives in Paris and films documentaries.
There. Now you know one way to tell smart people from stupid people. It’s a pretty good indicator.
What’s that? You think I’m mean and should cut elevator dummies some slack? I’m pretty sure you’re the only one in the universe who thinks rude elevator people deserve any slack. Because they don’t. And if you think they do, I’m going to take a wild guess and say that you’re probably one of them.
There are a lot of other things to consider when the topic is elevator etiquette, such as holding the door when you see someone approaching, punching ONLY your one floor and not the entire screen – keep control of your child’s fingers! – not holding a cell phone conversation if there are people standing near you, keeping your bodily functions under control, not annoying other people with unwanted conversation or questions, not eating until you get out of the elevator, etc, but honestly, most of these things are just simple anywhere etiquette – nice people don’t do these things wherever they are.
No, they don’t.
You know what makes all of the above etiquette lapses even more inappropriate and disgusting? When someone wearing his/her business logo is behaving that way. Talk about an instant “No, thank you; I’ll look elsewhere.”
Elevators are tiny vehicles driven by robots. If you don’t know how to behave yourself in a tiny vehicle with an invisible mechanical pilot, please take the stairs.