Mamacita says:  I’m on vacation right now, and it only took one day for my body to revert to its normal vampiric timing.  In other words, it’s noon and I just got up. Don’t tell anybody, ok? They might think I’m lazy.

I’m not really lazy. It’s just that my energy comes out at night. It’s not my fault. I should not be penalized for something I can’t help. I have Night Owl Syndrome (NOS) sometimes referred to as Vampiric Life Style (VLS) and I should have been receiving special treatment from my school and workplace all my life. Those schools and workplaces are set up for people who are lively in the daytime; I needed ACCOMMODATIONS for my specialness and I never got them. I should sue.

The sad thing is, I could possibly win.

Um, I also function best with a diet coke in my possession at all times. Those same schools and most of the workplaces did not allow that, and thus both my attitude and my quality of work suffered. It wasn’t my fault. I had no accommodations. I should have sued.

Exceptions should have been made just for me and my preferences. It’s fine with me if none of the others are allowed to do what I do; just so I get to do it. It’s all about me.

Oh, I adapted. It meant that I had to try a little harder but I did it. Kind of like math; it never came easily to me so I had to work harder than some of the others to get the same results. How unfair. I should have had accommodations so I could pass without all that extra effort. Tommy in the next seat over got his math done in fifteen minutes, whereas it took me a few hours to do the exact same thing, and with fewer right answers. It just wasn’t fair. The teacher made me do the assignments anyway. I should sue.

When my dad told me that since it didn’t come easily, I would just have to work harder, I thought it was good advice so I did it. My math grades weren’t all that good but I passed, and I passed on my own hard work and merit. It was only years later that I realized how UNFAIR he was to me. He KNEW I had numerical dyslexia and he should have demanded that I have a tutor and a reduced workload and an automatic C on my report card for sheer effort. But noooo, he made me do it all myself even though he KNEW how hard it was for me. Okay, so I eventually learned how, but still. He always stayed in the room with me, reading, and I could tell he really wanted to help me, but though he would answer a few questions, he wouldn’t do it for me. The meanie. He should have accommodated me so I could go outside and play before it got dark EVERY night.

And in fourth grade when I had that awful Mrs. Webster, and I just couldn’t ‘get’ long division, Mom taught it to me herself rather than march to school and insist that the teacher go the extra mile just for me. I’m telling you, my parents were MEAN.

I also had Locker Combination Anxiety (LCA) to such a degree that even now I still dream about standing in the hallway trying frantically to open my locker. . . . I should sue for that, too.

And my weight? That is SOOO not my fault either. I was really thin until we moved out into the country. Is it my fault that there are no amusement parks or shopping malls or friends within walking distance? No indeed, my obesity is due entirely to poor rural planning on the part of. . . . well, somebody else. Not me. With nothing but cornfields and woods surrounding me, what else could I do but take up a lifestyle of sitting in front of a computer, eating Hostess cupcakes, and riding around the lawn on a John Deere? I should sue. It’s not my fault.

Sometimes my teachers gave me assignments that conflicted with Youth Group at church. I wasn’t allowed to go till my homework was finished. Sometimes, I was LATE. This was so unfair. The Youth Group director tried to set up a room where we could bring our homework and do it right there before the meetings started, but a parent objected because it wasn’t fair to make kids do schoolwork in a church. Thank goodness for that, because if the teachers started getting completed schoolwork on Thursday mornings, they’d expect it all the time. I mean, SHEESH. Way to go, Mrs. Thorne. Thanks for getting us off the hook with the homework room thing. In America, ONE SINGLE PERSON’s objection can really make a difference. I should still sue that director for trying to make us work inside the church. I had serious running around to do in the church basement; I didn’t have time for no stinkin’ HOMEWORK!!! I should definitely sue.

And teachers should be ashamed of themselves when they assign homework on Varsity Ball Game nights. Who has time to do it on those nights? I mean, the games start at six and you don’t get home till ten or so. And between four and five-thirty, Jerry Springer’s on tv!!! Woot woot woot! And you gotta eat. As for the team, why should they do homework at all? Aren’t they representing the school? Isn’t that enough? Get real.

Item: If you are offended, get a life. I am NOT making fun of people with legitimate needs. But I AM poking fun at. . . .well, most of you can figure it out easily enough.