George Carlin was a brilliant mastermind of the human condition, and one of the funniest men in the world.

Until a few hours ago, he and Eddie Izzard were tied for the honor of “funniest man in the world.” Now, Eddie, this honor is all yours; please use the lessons George taught you. I know you will.

I admired George Carlin so much, and for so many reasons, one of the main reasons being his complete and total hatred of euphemisms. (not safe for work or in the hearing of small children or prudes)

Besides being brain-dazzlingly funny, Carlin was also savvy and observant, and if the government had only listened to him and done what he said, the world would be a far better place.

“I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose. It’ll be much harder to detect.”

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”

“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”

” I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

“Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?”

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.”

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”

“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.“

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.“

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.“

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section? ” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

“If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)”

“If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”

“Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?”

“I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”

“You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.”

“One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.”

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

“Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!”

“A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.””

“I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.”

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

“What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.”

“Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it’s a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, “Well, okay, that’s enough of that.”

“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?”

“Wonderful Wino” was the first George Carlin routine I ever heard; I still have the 33 rpm record. My entire family loved this routine, and all the other innocent yet snarky routines on that album. When George Carlin came to the IU auditorium, Mom and Dad were ecstatic, and bought tickets for the whole family, including my Tumorless Sister and my Baby Brother, who were just little bitty kids at the time.

Unfortunately, this was just after Carlin had released “Seven Words You Can’t Say On Television,” and the majority of the show featured these words in various forms and contexts. Mom grabbed Tumorless and sat in the lobby with her while Dad and Bro watched the rest of the show.

I tried to warn them but they didn’t believe me.

Here’s “Wonderful Wino.” Enjoy.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly