I found this transcript in my files tonight. It’s one of my favorite encounters.

Kid, upon watching video of himself sneaking into the teacher’s lounge, kicking the machine, and stealing candy about thirty minutes prior: That ain’t me!

Principal: The person in the video looks exactly like you and is wearing the same clothes you’re wearing right now.

Kid: He must have stole them from my locker!

Principal: But you’re wearing them now.

Kid: He must have put them back, and I found them again, and put them on.

Teacher *: What were you wearing before you found your clothes again and put them on?

Kid: I forget.

Kid’s mother: That’s not him!

Kid’s mother’s this week’s boyfriend: It is too, the stupid lying little shit.

Kid’s mother: He wouldn’t do that! He’s not that kind!

Boyfriend: Looks to me like he is.

Kid: It ain’t me! I swear it ain’t!

Kid’s mother: He swears it ain’t him. That tells me it positively ain’t him. My boy don’t lie.

Principal: Let’s play the video again, in slow motion.

Kid: No! I think that’s a kid disguised as me, with my shirt, and my face, and my hat.

Kid’s mother: I think so, too. That ain’t my son. That’s some dirty little thief with my son’s shirt and hat on. You should find that kid and torment him! He’s got my son’s shirt and hat!

Principal: And his fingerprints and face.

Boyfriend: Haw haw, this is hilarious.

Kid’s mother: Whose side are you on, you short-dicked parasite?

Boyfriend: After last year, darlin’, I’m on the side of the law.

Principal: Does anybody have anything else to say before we turn the video over to the police?

Kid: Can I eat the candy now?

Kid’s mother: Shut up, you little idiot!

This kid was in the 8th grade, by the way.

* Guess who?

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly