I made a Valentine-shaped red velvet cake with cream cheese icing tonight. I’ve never made one of these before, even though red velvet cake is a family tradition on my father’s side. For some reason, however, I decided to give it a try tonight.

The cake is done. It looks really nice, all heart-shaped and covered with cream cheese and vanilla.

But I do have a question for those of you (Anne, are you reading this?) who are experts in all things culinary: Is the batter for this cake supposed to be so thick it won’t even spread over the pan after it’s been in the oven for a while?

When I took it out of the oven, both pans looked like they contained freshly-hardened coiled lava.

I clapped them together and iced them anyway.

I’m really quite good at baking all kinds of breads and pies, but my homemade cakes all look like geological formations and taste like corn bread. Sigh.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly