I like to pay tribute to people who inspire me in any way, and tonight is no exception. While my email is overflowing with various pieces of advice and fantastic no-coupon-needed deals from very sincere-sounding people, I’m singling out three whose messages truly touched me.

I learn so many fascinating things from the lovely strangers who like to flood my email with information. Thank you so very much, Rashae’el Ingram, Dr. Lina Wilkins, and Moustafa Picou! Without you three, I would never have known how to lowr me morttgage, loose them swirly pounds, or get a nu lease on live with my new big dick.

I can’t help but notice, however, that my email self-help-file contains all kinds of information on how the men can get bigger, and the women can get smaller.

This seems rather one-sided to me.

Of course, I also believe that all men who fall for this stuff have little teeny tiny. . . well, you know. I’m a lady so even though I can quote “dicks” I can’t bring myself to say “dicks.” And all women who fall for this stuff should have stayed in high school.

What a bunch of dicks.

Whoops. Busted.

Oh well. To paraphrase Robin Williams as Leslie in Toys, “War – and spam – are the domain of the small penis.”

Oopsies. Did it again.

My dishwasher is making a funny noise. Also, the cats are in the garage and I hope they don’t poop on the comic books.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly