Every once in a blue, blue moon I discover a product that I think is good enough and smart enough and by golly, people like me worthy of mention on my blog, which is, of course, the equivalent of you sitting in my kitchen exchanging small talk with me and eating deep-dish pizza. Which reminds me, when are you coming over?

I have a nice deck, but I seldom sit out there because of the bees and mosquitoes. I have to save up my trash and haul it to the dump because we have no pickup out here in the north forty of all boondocks, and if I set so much as a dainty bathroom bag of seemingly unappealing human dregs outside, the critters pay us a call and we get to spend an hour bent double picking up used kleenexes and all kinds of creepy, kooky, mysterious, spooky, and altogether ooky sticky, shredded, often embarrassing remnants of our lives that were best left unseen and are even grosser after being licked by a possum.

But my problem has actually been solved now. I have discovered Repell-em products. Not only are they the best trash bags EVER, they have a ton of other uses as well.

Set out your trash two days early; the dogs won’t touch it. Put pieces of a Repell-em trash bag under your sofa cushions; your cats won’t shred your furniture any more. Cut a Repell-em trash bag into strips and put them around your ankles and wrists. You can now sit out on the lake all day fishing and come home with not a single mosquito or fly bite.

Hang a Repell-em bag in the doorway of your tent. You can sleep in peace and the mosquitoes, flies, and other insects won’t come near you.

If you have tiny children and you worry about them putting “poison” in their mouths, you can rest easy, because Repell-em products are harmless. You can pack food in them. If you catch your child chewing on a Repell-em bag, you can marvel at his/her ability to relish the taste, but you don’t have to call 911 or the Poison People; Repell-em bags won’t hurt your child. Repell-em bags are also eco-friendly; they’re REALLY eco-friendly, not just claiming to be but really not, like most products that make that claim. Repell-em products really are eco-friendly. The magic is in the smell, which insects and animals loathe. People just think it’s a nice smell.

But here’s the coolest part: Repell-em is having a CONTEST! It starts Thursday and they’re giving away their products like crazy.

Listen, I know it’s odd, raving about trash bags. But I hate mosquitoes and I hate flies and I hate having my furniture clawed by my cats and I hate not being able to sit outside because of the bugs and I’m allergic to bees and I hate having to constantly pick up my trash from all over the yard because dogs or other animals tore it to shreds and scattered it.

With Repell-em bags, I’ll never have to do that again. Check them out. Seriously, these products are fantastic. I can just hang a Repell-em bag from my deck and the insects are GONE. No stinky sprays or little cups of poison. Nothing that could harm a child. Just instant bug-be-gone. INSTANT. No stray dogs or other potentially dangerous critters, either. GONE.

Go check out Repell-em. Then enter the contest. I’m going to. By golly, I’d LOVE to win me a big bundle of this stuff.

I’m going to order one of their picnic tablecloths next. NO ANTS! I can’t wait.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly