Dear Indiana University,

Both of my degrees were earned on your breathtakingly beautiful campus, and I loved you dearly except when you kept phoning me and begging for money. Apparently, though, you’ve decided to get your money from sources who don’t even owe you anything, and that, my former friends, is called “extortion.” stealing.

After learning about this piece of absurdity, I’m afraid I’ll have to take back a large portion of the affection I once had for you. In fact, I’m ashamed of you. You have made yourself and all who are associated with you into a ridiculous travesty. I’ve lost all respect for you.

I am not remotely interested in investing any time, money, attention, or affection in anything or anyone that has that big a stick up its ass has no sense of humor or of honor.

Please fire everyone involved with this ridiculous piece of bad, bad judgment and poor sportsmanship and general lack of humor, substance, and heart. Bring back the university of my memory: the college I still dream about, the campus where I’m young and strong and dancing through life as though everything about it were beautiful and right. . . .

Because of all the stupid stunts IU has ever pulled, this one is the most degrading and disgusting. Bobby wouldn’t even have stooped that low. He would have thrown a chair at the person responsible, and the entire campus would have exploded with applause if it had hit.

Bah on thee, thou moronic Suits.

Sincerely,

Mamacita

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly