I have promised my daughter that if she ever decides to get married, I will help plan something much like this:

Because it’s not only cool, it’s classy.

Or, I will give her the money and tell her to go to Vegas and be married by an Elvis impersonator, and I’ll throw her a party when she gets back and shows me the marriage certificate.

Either way, I promise not to be a Momzilla. I’ve seen those broads in action and it ain’t a pretty sight. They’re almost as ugly as a Bridezilla. Put the two together and you’ve got a sitcom only another Momzilla or Bridezilla would be insane enough to watch. Well, unless you just wanted something you could legitimately make fun of.

And if she wants anything stupid like fat velvet ribbons on the pews or a four-course dinner for the guests or a dress that costs more than a month’s rent or a thousand dollars’ worth of flowers or a cake in the shape of Michelangelo’s David* or a veil that looks like something Sally Field wore in The Flying Nun or a venue that isn’t free or at least cheap, or matching bridesmaids’ dresses that look like as though they were made from used satin motel sheets, she’d best start saving her money right now cuz Mommy don’t hold with such nonsense.

The really wonderful thing is that I know I will not have to worry about Belle’s wedding, if and when she has one, being a thing of panic, overpriced nonsense, tacky dresses, or bad music. She is far too cool for any of that scheisse. My darling girl would turn up her nose at wearing a dress that looked like an icing-covered igloo-shaped wedding cake with legs, trimmed with merangue, like that hideous dress in My Big Fat Greek Wedding or something that didn’t make the final cut in Gone With The Wind. With hoopskirts big enough to hide the Trapp Family Singers.

And why would you hire strangers to do the music? Don’t you have friends who sing and play? Or a friend of a friend? You don’t? That’s unbelievable. Hire someone then, sheesh.

Those of you who harbor a Bridezilla: I’m sorry for you, but my biggest question is WHY? Tell her to pay for her own damn wedding and I bet a lot of the nonsense would be crossed off the list. You don’t have to put up with that.

Those of you who harbor a Momzilla: Elvis in Vegas would actually give you cooler memories, girl, so grab your fiance, hop a plane, and escape while yet there is time. You don’t have to put up with that, either.

And by the way, brides who require a specific, expensive dress for each bridesmaid should pay for it themselves. I also believe that the groom should pay for all the tux rentals. A wedding that works a hardship on your friends isn’t very nice; I don’t know how a friendship could ever be the same if people were expected to shell out the big bucks for clothing they’ll never be able to wear again. If Bridezilla wants each of her attendants to mince down the aisle in Dior dresses, then Bridezilla should pay for them out of her own pocket. If Bridezilla can’t afford that, then Bridezilla needs to revamp her “me, me, me” list of “must-haves” for the wedding.

I’ve known far too many people who paid thousands for their wedding and went to Cancun for their honeymoon and when they got back and started their lives together, they were too broke to buy food and pay their bills. I call that really, really stupid.

I have a dear friend who is getting married, and weddings are on my mind. I know that the wedding I am going to in January will be a thing of class, beauty, personality, and love. I know that the wedding I am going to in January will be a reflection of the tastes of the people involved, not a circus sideshow with clowns and dancing bears and jugglers and busking mimes. My friend who is getting married doesn’t need any of those things, because he has something far better.

It always seemed to me that people who ‘require’ a huge showy affair are compensating for something they don’t have.

Because, if you have it, why would you need the circus?

*Dibs.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly