I sneeze like a cartoon character. I hate that.

“To read the rest of this article, please register.” No, thank you. I’ll just find it somewhere else on the internet, on a website that’s more friendly and likes me.

“Please stay on the line for an important announcement!” The woman who sells her voice to all these different companies is probably a very nice person, but I hate her.

AND I don’t obey tape recorders.

“Is it okay if I go on home? I’m tired.” Sure, you go on home. The rest of us will stay two more hours, take two quizzes, get an essay assignment, and discuss cool things, but you’re extra special, so you don’t have to. You do remember that the evil professor will use YOUR name in all the examples, if you’re absent, right? And that you won’t be making up any of this work? Go on home. Your tv show will be starting.

“I was in Key West last week. Did I miss anything important?” No, we just played Bingo and ate popcorn.

“Can I type my essay on Typepad?” No.

“Please hold for an important message from Chase Bank!” No. Also, it’s the same woman’s voice. I wonder how much she gets paid.

“Please hold; one of our agents will be with you in just a moment.” Again, no. Is that you again, Maizie?

“The time is 2:50 a.m. The temperature is 68 degrees.” I think I recognize this voice.

“To access the pharmacy, please press 1 now. To speak to a pharmacist, press 2.” Maizie, how many gigs do you HAVE?

I have to sneeze again. No, I’m not watching the Cartoon Channel. That was me.

“I didn’t know I’d have to type my papers for this class.” You didn’t? Did you forget you weren’t back in junior high?

“Meow meow meow purrrrrrr, we love whole wheat bread. Yum! And the package is so easy to gnaw through!” It loses something in the translation, but you should see the kitchen floor.

No, the tv is NOT on.

“Please hold for an important message from your Indiana University Alumni Association.” I gave at the Blood Bank. Go away. Maizie?

Whatever happened to that “No Marketing” thing I thought I signed up for?

Gezundheit to me. And again. One more time.

“Hello! All of our agents are assisting other members, but someone will be with you as soon as possible.” Hey, you called ME, Maizie.

I really do hate that woman.