I am in shock tonight, for I have just paid eight dollars for a 24-pack of Diet Coke, when I could have purchased identical Diet Coke clone colas at Marsh for almost exactly half that price.

The Marsh diet colas, they are identical in every way to the unbelievably expensive actual Diet Cokes, just as a clone cow is identical to its donor, and if all you want is some cheap milk, who cares which cow you get it from? Not me.

I have no brand loyalties whatsoever, buying whatever is on sale or strikes my fancy as long as it’s on sale, but the prospect of ice and sleet and deep snow sent me running to the local big grocery store, which is NOT Marsh, to stock up on milk and bread and whatever, the most important thing being the diet colas, and since I don’t like the harsh “twang” of most generic diet colas, and since we have no Marsh with the fantastic generic diet colas in this town, I put the real Diet Coke carton in my cart and pretended I spent that much money all the time, no big deal for me, nope, here, take my blood and a slice of my spleen and in return, I’ll drink genuine Diet Coke, 24 cans-worth, which might last me three or four days, because when it comes to caffeine addiction, I am the Poster Child.

This icestorm and blizzard is supposed to hit Monday morning, early, and by golly, it had better hit, because if I paid Jay C Plus eight bucks for Diet Coke, I’d better be trapped in the house drinking one can after another of them, with all possible routes to town closed, and the local campus shut down, and the Four Horsemen bearing down with fire in their eyes.

Eight bucks. At Marsh, I’d have brought home 48 cans for eight bucks.

MARSH, please build your next store here, for I love you and your cheap Marsh diet coke clones, and your fantastic Buy one, get one free sales, and your ten-for-ten-bucks sales, and your coupon books that you stamp every week that I might get free turkeys and hams for the holidays.

That’s one of the main reasons why I love to teach on the main campus, you know. On my way home, I drive past Marsh, and there’s no driving PAST Marsh, because once I see it there, I have to pull into the parking lot and go inside and purchase their wonderful diet coke clone cola. And possibly some green seedless grapes.

I looked for a nice pork tenderloin at the store today, and they had it, but it wasn’t on sale as it usually is at Marsh. I would have bought some, too, because the Pork Board has apologized to the Lactivist.

So I cooked up a pound of bacon and made bacon-and-mustard sandwiches for dinner. For some reason, Hub wasn’t interested so he had pizza.

Bacon and mustard. . . . . mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

What?