Dear Student,

I know that you’re not used to staying seated, and I know you’re not used to asking permission before you, oh, say, get up and walk around and look at other people’s work, offer suggestions to them and point out errors, turn on a computer to surf for something that popped into your mind, ask to see your quiz again because you’ve suddenly remembered an answer, walk out the door to get food, and just plain pack up and leave when you’ve ‘finished learning.’

I understand that family is the most important thing in the world, and that the needs of the family come first. Key word there: needs. Not whims, not ‘last-minute,’ but NEEDS.

Now, here are some things YOU need to understand.

At the college level, assignments are due when they’re due. They are not due when you feel ready to do them, and they are not due AFTER you get back from a family gathering if the syllabus tells you they’re due BEFORE that family gathering, and if your mother tells you otherwise, she’s wrong.

At the college level, you are certainly free to not attend class if you do not feel like it some days, and would rather stay home and sleep in, and if you are not in the mood to write an essay, you have the freedom of choice to not do it. If you just don’t feel like learning some days, you may certainly stay home. There will be consequences, however, and it doesn’t matter WHAT your mom says you ‘may’ do.

Please tell your mom, if you wouldn’t mind, that she is not the person who sets the essay topics. At this level, you will write about the given topic. If the topic is ‘your choice,’ you’ll be told beforehand. Don’t ever, ever, assume that you can change the topic to one you like better, and please tell your mom she’s not in charge of the college curriculum. If you don’t “like” the topic, that’s too bad. Write about it anyway.

Understand this, missy: At the college level, your mother isn’t the boss, and neither are you.

At this level, your assignments are due when they’re due, and if that’s not convenient for your family, that’s too bad.

If your project, which is 3/4 of your grade, is due on a certain date, and you’ve known about it since the first day of class because the details are spelled out on the syllabus in language that a fifth-grader could understand, and on the night before it’s due you email me and apologize because you won’t be turning it in on the due date because your family decided at the last minute to pack everyone up and go to Grandma’s in Toledo for the holiday weekend and you won’t be back until the week AFTER the due date. . . well, again, that’s a choice you are certainly allowed to make.

You’re going to get an F on it, but sure, go ahead and turn it in when you get back. I want to see the reaction of the other students in your class, who turned theirs in on time and will have them back, graded, when you try to turn yours in.

Tell your mom not to bother calling me, either. At the college level, the law forbids me to share any information about you with her.

Tell your mom that in the real world, there are such things as deadlines. There are also such things as respect, reliability, organization, maturity, and consequences.

Tell your mom to take all those a Beka workbooks and stuff them up her ass that those are a few lessons she must have left out.

Congratulations on your email, though. You only misspelled four words this time. Proofread, proofread, proofread. Too bad you don’t get any credit for an email.

Item: you’re failing anyway. The lessons you chose to do, you did very well. On some of them, you got A’s. Average those A’s in with all those zeros, though, and mathematically speaking, you’re not doing so well. At the college level, students do not have the luxury of choosing what they wish to learn, and when. You sign up for a course and you read the syllabus and you do it. Or you fail. Pick one.

Maybe, now that you’re in college, you should look around and see what all the other students your age are doing. I know that’s something new, and that your family has never put any importance to what other kinds of students do, but try it anyway.

Because, toots, you have absolutely NO IDEA how a person is supposed to conduct herself in college.

Tell your mom I said so.

Love and Kisses,
Mrs. MeanTeacher

P.S. Two other students in your class had last-minute family obligations, too. The difference between them and you is that they turned theirs in early, before they left, and you chose to not turn yours in until you get back. One of them drove to the college at nine-thirty at night, to make sure the project would be on time, because her family was leaving early the next morning. The other student turned his in three days early. That’s why they got good grades and you failed. Tell your mom about that one, too.

Another difference between them and you is that they are respectful, organized, mature, and understand about natural consequences. You have never been required to learn any of those things.

So you’d better start, and you’d better start now.

P.P.S. You have to pay back all your financial aid for classes you flunk. That will put a damper on your Disney World plans with your family. And yes, the final is on December 14th. If you ask me, you can take it early. But you won’t ask me; you’ll just assume I’ll accommodate your Disney World dreams after the fact. Guess what: I won’t.

There was a waiting list for this class. You should be ashamed that you got in, and some other student who might have known how to behave at this level didn’t.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly