It’s been a long day.
It was pitch dark and raining when I left the house this morning. The highway is still under construction so it took me an hour to drive thirty miles. When I got to the college, the vending snack truck was parked in my parking space.
My morning classes meet in a computer lab. This is usually a very good thing; this is a writing class and we, uh, write with them.
That is, we write with them when the teacher says it’s time to write with them.
My 8:00 a.m. class, at 8:15:
Me: Susan, exit out of your computer and join the class, please.
Susan: I can hear you from here.
Me: Exit out of your computer and join the rest of the class, please.
Susan: How do you expect me to get this paper done?
Me: It’s too late to turn today’s paper in. You’ve had a full week.
Susan: Well, hey, I had stuff to do. Do you want it or not?
Me: Not any more. Exit out of your computer and join the rest of the class, please.
Susan: You say you want our papers on time but you won’t let us do them!
Me: Exit out of your computer and join the rest of the class, please.
Susan: Hey, I had stuff to DO. I’m almost done. Do you got a stapler? Do I need a title page? Should this be double or single-spaced? Does the title gots to be capitalized? We din’nit need no footnotes, right? I’m almost done. Everybody just hold on.
Me: No. Exit out of your computer and join the rest of the class, NOW. Okay, class, now that we’ve reviewed a little, let’s have the quiz.
Susan: What quiz? Are we having a quiz? You never said nothing about a quiz. That’s not fair, them practicing and me not getting to. I’m almost done. Hold on. No fair! Blah blah blah blah blah poor pitiful me blah blah no fair blah blah here’s my paper.
Me: I think I hear a mosquito buzzing. Where’s a rolled-up newspaper when you really need one? Oh, I’ll just use this piece of scrap paper here on my desk.
Class: WAY TO GO!!!!!! (applause)
Susan: No fair!
Class: Oh, grow up, freak.
Susan bursts into tears and runs out of the room. Everybody is happy to see her go. I give all the students who showed up for class today and turned in their papers on time ten bonus points. I let them use the book during the quiz.
There were eight students absent in my first class, plus Susan who was worse than absent. In my second class, there were five absent students. There is NO make-up work the second half of the semester. All of those students will be shocked when their average is low, and they will all ask for extra credit or make-up work. They will get neither.
A couple of them will have their mothers call me at home. Under federal law, I am unable to give their mothers any information whatsoever. Heh, smirk, losers.
Because, you know, they’re supposed to turn their papers in on time but I never let them work on them.
My afternoon class, bless their hearts, were their usual friendly, hardworking, cooperative selves, and every single one of them was in class. I might bring them doughnuts next week if I have any money.
I did smooth out Susan’s paper, and I did read it. She gets a zero, but I did read it. It sucked.
The topic was “Education,” and she wrote about a movie she saw on Lifetime last night.
Sometimes I feel very ineffectual.
I also lied about the mosquito. I wish there had really been one, though, because a squashed bug in the middle of a bloody splotch would have been the only interesting thing about that paper.
It might even have covered up some of the misspelled words.
I think I need to go to bed. I’m foul, and I’m getting fouler by the minute.
Mostly, though, I think I feel very, very ineffectual. I don’t like it.