For an embarassingly long time I was puzzled by the fact that the bottom few feet of my patio doors were always dirty and smeary, sometimes even minutes after the whole thing was thoroughly cleaned.

I knew that when it rained, the water bounced off the deck and spattered the bottom part of the door, but I couldn’t understand the smears.

I do now.

The big cat is mine, and the little hussy in front lives next door. She does her eating and sleeping here, but she gets her petting and impregnating at the neighbor’s.

She has a daughter who looks just like her. For a long time we couldn’t figure out why this cat was so friendly sometimes, and so snarly at other times. Then we saw them together. This little cat’s last summer’s litter is grown now, and the identical daughter AND the little mommy are both preggers again. I really wish the neighbors would have their cats neutered; all this dry cat food is expensive. Plus, I sincerely believe that responsible pet owners should neuter their animals. We really have only one cat now, but our neighbors have five, and soon they’ll have more. And more. And more, if they don’t get on the stick and get these cats fixed.

Item: my cat is not the father. My cat has no balls; we had them removed because we are responsible cat owners. My cat acts like he still has balls, but he doesn’t. They are definitely gone; we paid to have them cut off. My cat is ballsy, but ball-less. There are many jokes I could stick in here but because of my innate good breeding I won’t.

When you come to visit me, you will notice the smeary bottoms of the French doors. The cats did it.

Sometimes, they lick all over the glass. What’s up with that? Weird. Usually, though, they just smear their moist little paws all over it, trying desperately to get inside. When my cat rears up on his back legs, he can touch the doorknob. He pats and swipes at it all the time; he knows that the doorknob is the key to getting inside, if only he had thumbs.

Thankfully, he doesn’t. No thumbs, and no balls.