Following along in the footsteps and standing in the shadows of some of my Internet Icons, people I respect and honor and love and try to be like in every way except they’re all younger and thinner and much more attractive, I hear and obey and do my best to convey my feelings about. . . . sex.

First of all, I’m for it.

Secondly, there’s a time and a place for everything. Sleeping, eating, rollerblading, driving, leaving home, movies, red wine, golfing, websurfing, and, yes, sex. Try any of these things when you’re too young or too old or too tired or at work or at someone else’s house or ovulating or angry or with the wrong person or just having an off day, well, let’s just say that things won’t go as they should, and that’s an understatement. And to try and persuade or even, heaven forbid, force, someone to do any of these things when they really don’t want to, is to be the opposite of a friend, and worse even than an enemy.

When, then, should these things, and others, be done? They should be done when the time is right, and the place is right, and the people are right. When do we know that? I don’t know. We just know. But what if everybody else is doing these things and they’re making fun of me because I’m not? Ignore them. They’re not you, and they can’t make decisions for you. But, but, but, I WANT them to! No, you don’t. Not really. But, but, but, people are doing these things everywhere. All the coolest celebrities are doing them and they look awesome.

Uh huh. Is this what it’s come down to? Celebrities are our young peoples’ mentors now? Actually, as long as parents give in and give in and kowtow, celebrities rule. Fashion, music, behavior. . . . .besides, many kids nowadays see celebrities more frequently than they see their parents. Kids spend long hours home alone in front of the tv, and lifestyle examples are rampant all over the networks. All of them look like more fun than their parents’ lifestyles.

You know, just like us, when we were their age.

Celebrities are out there everywhere. There are more celebrities than regular people, in some areas. Celebrities, wearing g-strings and two styrofoam egg carton sections, carrying french bread in a mesh bag, talking on a cell phone and frowning at the ten thousand photographers who are following them. Celebrities, making babies and abandoning them like so much dross. Celebrities, walking out on pregnant wives or girlfriends that they might take up with yet another celebrity and impregnate them, too. Studly celebrities with high sperm counts, going from flower to flower like King Mongut. Celebrities, unmarried but reproducing like crazed ferrets, dancing on top of talk-show furniture and spouting philosophy that any sane and educated person would laugh at, but which an un or under-educated person might ostensibly fall for. And it is my firm belief that many of our young people are at the very least, undereducated.

Tom Cruise ROCKS, and Katie is so LUCKY he looked her way, and their baby will be AWESOME, and, um, married? No, but it’s okay because they’re CELEBRITIES. Celebrities DO it, so if I do it, maybe I’ll get as lucky as Katie. She’s so LUCKY. And I KNOW that Tom will never leave her the way he left two other wives; he’s CHANGED.

It makes me remember Michael Landon, “Mr. Family Values” of the seventies and eighties, and how he made and walked out on several families, all the while wearing his “TV’s Perfect Father” crown for some people. (He also helped ruin Laura Ingalls Wilder’s beautiful stories, and for that I shall never forgive him.)

Where am I going with this ramble? I’m not sure. There are things I’d like to say and I’m not sure I can say them, at least not as well as the already-mentioned bloggers have said them.

Perhaps one of the points is that there are many aspects of life that are wonderful. Some of them are available for people of any age; several of them are available only for people of a certain age, and several of them are appropriate only for people of a certain age and circumstances. Or should be.

Remember the Seven Deadly Sins? The Seven Virtues? Remember what Mordred thought of the Seven Virtues? Remember what kind of person Mordred was? Does anyone know who Mordred was? Has anyone ever heard of Mordred?

The Seven Deadly Virtues, those ghastly little traps,
Oh no, my liege, they were not meant for me.
Those Seven Deadly Virtues were made for other chaps,
Who love a life of failure and ennui.
Take Courage-now there’s a sport
An invitation to the state of rigor mort
And Purity-a noble yen
And very restful every now and then
I find Humility means to be hurt
It’s not the earth the meek inherit, it’s the dirt
Honesty is fatal, it should be taboo
Diligence-a fate I would hate
If Charity means giving, I give it to you
And Fidelity is only for your mate
You’ll never find a virtue unstatusing my quo, or making my Beelzebubble burst;
Let others take the high road, I will take the low;
I cannot wait to rush in where angels fear to go,
With all those Seven Deadly Virtues free and happy little me has not been cursed!

And the Seven Deadly Sins?

Pride is excessive belief in one’s own abilities, that interferes with the individual’s recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Envy is the desire for others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work

Is it just me, or have those Deadly Sins somehow become the typical lifestyle of a lot of people? Is there ever really a good excuse for any of them? I can’t think of one.

Ghandi had his own list of sins. Look.

Wealth without Work

Pleasure without Conscience

Science without Humanity

Knowledge without Character

Politics without Principle

Commerce without Morality

Worship without Sacrifice

Now, far be it from me to sermonize. Sermons usually put me to sleep. Sermons often make people get up and go out and do the very thing they were just sermonized against just for spite. (not that I would know.) But I have seen a lot of heartbreak and disillusionment in our young people, because they disregarded certain conventions and ‘did their own thing’ to the tune of flouting old-fashioned boring things like morality and fidelity and chastity, besides which, such doings often bring yet another innocent being into the world who gets to reap the benefit of being raised by teenagers, fed by government-subsidized programs, educated via free book rental, clothed by the salvation army, and housed by charity. Yes, sometimes it works, but it would have worked better if it had been done later. Have you any idea how many kids in the public schools have parents who have passed the same VD’s around from household to household? Most of you wouldn’t BELIEVE the stories most teachers could tell you.

Oh, I’m making lots of friends with this post, aren’t I.

It’s too late to make a long story short, so I’ll end with this. Britney Spears, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Jerry Springer and anyone he’s ever had on his show, Elizabeth Hurley, and lots of other unwholesome ‘celebrities,’ are not mentors or icons or role models. They are clowns. Ideally, we go to the circus, point and laugh at clowns, and then leave them behind whilst heaving a sigh of relief that we are not them. Clowns are to be laughed at, not brought home and given the run of the bedroom. We laugh at clowns, we don’t let them whisper promises in our ears and pour us one more glass of wine and remove our clothing and impregnate us.

And how do we know a clown when we see one? Oh good grief, people, a clown is the idiot who tries to talk us into anything we don’t really want to do, and who makes us feel inferior and behind the times and childish if we protest. If anyone tries to mess with you in any of those ways, PLEASE try to visualize the big red nose, the greasy red lips, the acne underneath the whiteface, and the infected boils under the suspenders. If you’re still horny after picturing that, you’ve got far bigger problems than I could deal with here. In fact, you might even be the clown in the relationship.

If your mind is telling you to ‘wait,’ then wait. Nobody on this entire planet has the right to make you do ‘anything’ you don’t feel ready to do. The Seven Deadly Sins are gross, disgusting, inferior lifestyles; don’t let anyone try to cover them with sparkle-dust and fool you. All the glitter in the world won’t cover a pile of shit that big. It might shine, but it will still stink. The Seven Virtues might be difficult at times, but ultimately, they are your best bet for a good life. And Ghandi’s list is perfection.

Yes. I am speaking from experience, in many ways. I want everyone to have a better life than I have. I want everyone to be happier than I am. I want everyone to be smarter than I am.

I want everyone to do his/her own thinking, and I want everyone to stop trying to talk kids into things they would be better off not doing.

I’ve always been a little bit afraid of clowns. I think it’s because all that paint and nonsense can fool some people into thinking that anything the clown suggests is a really good idea.

Honk honk. Beep beep. Why DON’T you want to, sweetheart, everyone else is doing it. You don’t want to be the ONLY ONE who isn’t, do you? Come on. Loosen up. Whoops, sorry about the lipstick smears. Beep beep, hahahahahahahahahahahaha. . . . .