Don’t most classy movie pirates talk like educated English gentlemen? With maybe an occasional ‘Avast’ or ‘Arrrgh?’

Even Captain Hook used good grammar. He could even sing.

In the movies, the cool pirates were eloquent and sensitive. The better-spoken a pirate was, the more likely it was that he would end up in command. The scrufty slangy uneducated pirates seemed to end up swabbing the deck or falling off the mast to be eaten by sharks, or taking a cannonball in the stomach, or starting chains of fast-food restaurants featuring a lot of lard and breading.

Not that there’s any shame in any of those positions.

But give me Johnny Depp with his sweet sassy scheiss-filled smile, his maestro-like gestures, his flamboyant movements, and his Max Factored eyes any time.

He could even be naked. I’m not at all picky about his clothing. Really, tell him not to go to any trouble for me.

I feel a little faint. Is it hot in here or am I just getting old?