I am a potato chip snob. An elitist, if you will.

If I open a bag of potato chips and find more than just a few burned chips, or chips made with potatoes that have that little rot-spot in the middle with rays coming out like a Russian sun, or chips lined with neon green, I never buy that brand again. I understand that any bag of chips will have its share of deformities and discolorations, because potatoes are not perfect; but a handful or more is not acceptable.

That’s why I only buy Lay’s Potato Chips. You can eat them in the dark and not worry about what you’re getting. Obviously, they buy better potatoes, and hire somebody to inspect them so the gross discolored ones aren’t included in the bag.

Other chips must be eaten in the light of day, lest you ingest something horrible. But Lay’s Potato Chips have been my friend for many years and unless the CEO decides to cut the potato budget or otherwise go cheapass on me, I will be eating my favorite potato chips till I die. Hopefully with all my own teeth.

Do you think they would buy my motto? Lay’s Potato Chips: You can eat them in the dark.

I could use the money.

(I bet you all thought you were going to read about something else, didn’t you.)