When a loan officer promises to call you back, he should call you back. Because when he doesn’t call you back, all kinds of Bobbitt-y scenarios might start running through the frantic customer’s mind.

Not me, mind you, but possibly a frantic customer who looks like me. And who owns a lot of really sharp knives. And who already has the new roof.

(Wes came by today and brought his girlfriend. She’s nice, Wes; you may proceed.)

Loreena Bobbitt’s biggest mistake? Not flushing that thing down the toilet. I mean, didn’t she realize that if it could be found, it could be re-attached? And what kind of thoughts do you suppose were going through the officers’ minds, as they swept the park grounds with their flashlights, looking. Talk about mushroom hunting being tricky. . . . . And isn’t that the park where their annual Easter Egg Hunt is held? Gross. Could anyone ever let a toddler run around there again, looking for eggs, without checking really closely to see what the child is carrying around in that little basket?

Don’t get me wrong, I love men. I mean to say, men are great in too many ways to even BEGIN to mention. Men rock. Men are great company. Men make awesome friends. I adore men. I could go into more detail but I don’t really have to, do I. Men are wonderful.

But there was something about Loreena’s revenge that was deeply satisfying. I think women all over the planet took great pleasure in that little scenario.

Oh, don’t panic, guys; nice men have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Maybe it’s just that a man who isn’t nice, doesn’t deserve to own one. Could it be that?

I really don’t know.

But I do know that ever since I first learned to drive a straight stick shift, I really enjoyed the power. Wherever you aim it, the rest of it follows. It’s like a magic wand.

Is that why I love to read Harry Potter?

Tell me it ain’t true.

I’m talking about my car. What were YOU thinking about?

Worrying about money makes me think weird thoughts. I’d better stop before I scare you all away. Or to death.

Thank you all for your kind words of sympathy; I’ll pass them along to Mom tomorrow. She thinks everyone on the internet is really an ax-murderer but she’ll appreciate your sympathy anyway. I hope you all know how much I appreciate all of you. You are lovely wonderful people and “meeting” you was the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.

I hope no one was offended by all the references to stick shifts. Hey, at least I didn’t mention bucket seats.

Although, that IS a good song. Cake rules.