Who ARE these people who send the spams to our inboxes? WHAT are they? Sometimes the grammar is so bad I can’t even understand them!

Don’t panic; I don’t ever open them. As paranoid as I am about spyware and hijacking, there is NO WAY I would ever open up an email from Esmeralda Guittierezz-Medina, even though she assures me in the email blurb that her product is ACE: “All our software is GOOD – This means no box or manual, okay?” Sounds good to me. And who needs a box or a manual if you’ve got Esmeralda’s word that her software is GOOD?

Why do so many commercial bathroom disinfectants smell like candy? I walked into the restroom at the college today and it smelled so strongly of PEZ that I almost puked.

I never cared for PEZ. The concept was just, wrong. Even when I was a little kid, I did not want to eat a candy pellet that had been puked out by a plastic cartoon character with an unnaturally hinged jaw.

Chocolate-pecan-caramel turtles. THAT’s the best candy in the world. But let’s let their aroma be associated only with the actual candy. Please?

Much as I love turtles, though, I still do not want bathrooms to smell like them. It might have something to do with the fact that many public bathrooms have brown things in them that might, at first glance, appear to be chocolate but which are in actuality something quite different. But if the bathroom smelled like chocolate, and you saw something which appeared to be chocolate, even knowing what it really was. . . .

NO, you wouldn’t be tempted to taste it. What kind of people are you?

It would, however, ruin the fun of chocolate for you, permanently. The Hershey and Godiva people would go bankrupt.

I wonder what bathrooms in candy factories smell like. When they’re clean, that is.

And wouldn’t it be a better world if everyone knew how to flush a toilet?