You know those annoying phone calls that start with “Hello!!!!!!!!! Please hold for an IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!!!” that you get real early in the morning sometimes?

I don’t hold.

How DARE a business call me at home before nine a.m. and expect ME to hold for THEM while horrible elderly elevator music plays in the background and I wait for someone to hurry up and finish the doughnut so I can hear that awful ‘HELLO,’ coupled with the kind of “GOOD MORNING” used only by soliciters or creditors so you’ll think they’re friendly when they know and you know and I know that they’re nothing but mercenaries out to steal the only morning of sleep that I now get. . . . .

And when I say unreasonable things like “If you will check your records, you will see that you received my payment on December 12, 2004. I have the cancelled check in my hand if you need any numbers from the back of it,” they will say, in that same gooey voice, “I’m sorry but I don’t have that file. I can help you make that payment right now with an instant withdrawal from your checking account. What are your numbers please?”

They are calling me about a certain file. Why don’t they ever have the file before them when they call?

Do they really think I will give out my account number to a stranger with a gooey voice who calls me at that hour of the morning and doesn’t have the proper file in front of her/him before the number is dialed? I’d rather help the King of Nigeria emigrate to this country, than give such a ‘business’ any personal information.

And no, I will NOT get in my car and drive downtown to the post office and make a copy of my cancelled check and mail it to them in a certified letter. If they want it that badly, they can come and get it. I’ll nail it to the front door.

But they’d better not ring the bell and wake me up. I already hate them, and if they bothered me again I might have to kill them. To prevent this, I just hang up now, and I try to do it before that awful codger music starts.

Businesses, please take note of the above rant. I’m not kidding. Clean up your act and hire people who stayed in school.

And NEVER call me before the sun has fully risen. I mean it.

One more call and I’m posting your name and phone number on this blog. AND I’ll tell-all on Planet Feedback.